CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

The Ultimate Diet

Stress: The Ultimate in Dietary Aid.

I just got back from Jenny Craig and much to my delight, I am 3 pounds lighter. Not only that, I have reached and even surpassed one of my personal short-term goals for myself. So exciting.

It was really cute. I guess they are having a staff meeting so EVERY counselor was in the office. When my counselor saw my weight, she announced it to EVERYONE and they all clapped and cheered for me which felt a little silly, but also a little nice.

Thank god something good happened to me in this week of miseries. I needed that boost.

Go tell someone something nice. It may be the one nice thing that happens to them today. You never know who you're helping out with a good solid compliment.

Evil Money

I find myself in a sticky situation.

My financial situation has become quite grim. I have to make some sacrifices. I think, unfortunately, one of those sacrifices is going to have to be my Jenny Craig food. Or at least far less of it. It's costing me about $75-$100 a week right now and that's not including the produce and dairy I have to buy in addition almost every week to fill in the spots that the Jenny food doesn't cover.

This scares me. I've become quite dependent on and used to the JC meals. But actually, I know that this day is not going to be avoided forever. Truth be told, it's important for me to be able to eat normal food in my normal life (normal? LOL) and have a regular eating habit.

It just worries me because now it will be even easier to go off program.

So I am going to discuss it with Angela, the wonder-counselor, and hopefully we can put our heads together and come up with something I can handle. Maybe if I ween off of it?

But yeah... those recipes you all have been sending me? Keep 'em coming.

I just keep reciting the mantra. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Amen!

A Little Digression

Hey there readers!

I'd like to point out just two things very quickly and then it is likely I will never mention them again.

1) The Tip Jar.

2) The ads on this site.

I encourage you to use them both. I'm just putting that idea out there for you... Do what you will. I will not be offended if you think ill of me for mentioning it.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Fat Girl.

I Have Good News, and I have BETTER News

Good news: Since my last doctor's visit, before I even began Jenny Craig, I have lost 25 pounds. That was nice to hear. I was wearing jeans also, so I like to think I may have even lost a pound or two more.

In fact, speaking of jeans, I wore both pairs this weekend (I only own 2 pairs of jeans as they have never been an easy item for me to fit in), and noticed that my dark blue pair are quite roomy in the thigh. So I let them dry in the dryer for once and we'll see if they feel snug now. And my light blue jeans kept falling down. Not to my ankles or anything (could you imagine?) but I was pulling them back up to my waist all day yesterday. Little things like that are gratifying.

But the BETTER new is that my brother is gaining weight. HAHAHAHA! He's always been tall and SUPER-skinny (6'4" and 170 at his leanest) but now, he's up to about 200 pounds. Oh sure, he's still a varitable twig, but the irnoy of his gaining for once while I am losing for once is too precious to me.

Yes, I enjoy a little schadenfreude every now and then.

I actually had a pretty fair weekend. My eating was mostly in my control, my smoking was minimal (it's really time to quit again, I know it), and I spent time with some good friends. I was pleased as punch NOT to be horrified by photos of myself from Saturday night. Normally, I zone right in on my numerous chins, back fat, or big boobs. It was less about that and more about how I felt this time. That makes for a nice change.

I do have to ignore how sweaty I look. The doctor is helping me with my little sweating problem and assures me when the weight is gone, that will remedy itself.

Meet The Glamazons

http://www.youtube.com/v/3x_Kht-kEuI

You go, girls. Good for you!

Not So Smart

So on Sunday, my friend and I hit up a local bridal expo. She's getting married next June and I am going to be a bridesmaid. Originally, I thought this was going to be tons of fun. And actually, it was fun if not educational, but I had no idea it would be so exhausting!

They don't just offer the normal stuff there. Scattered among the florists and caterers and photographers, there were things like sunless tanning spray and dental services. And one particular booth that grabbed my attention was a service called "Smart for Life."

Smart For Life is a cookie diet. Yep, that's right, you heard me: A COOKIE DIET. Sound too good to be true? That's because it is. In truth, in my opinion, it's a scam and a sham. A not-as-easy-as-you-think-way to drop some weight and even bordering on unhealthy.

How does it work?

They offer you "direct physician care, which is horseshit. I should pay them an exhorbitant fee for direct physician care? Do I not have health insurance for such things like blood work and body scans? And why would I let a strip-mall diet shop do such things? At 28, why should I be having an EKG? Are you kidding me? My regular doctor would smack the sense back into me.

Next? They teach you about their "behavior modification." Um, HELLO? Are you kidding me? What - am I joining a cult here? Fuck that. If I hadn't yet, this is when I would sprint for the door and call my local cult interventionist.

But going on -- what IS "behavior modification," pray tell? You don't eat.Think I'm kiddding? Seriously, you get these heinous (yes, I tried one) cookies to eat throughout the day (they taste like saltless bread and have a spongey texture) and are permitted a healthy dinner. This is the first phase of the program but they call it "maintenance." Are you hypoglycemic like I am? Or have a thyroid condition? Then you should consult your physician. But wait! I thought they HAD physicians.... Now I am confused!

Don't like cookies? Perhaps you would like to trade out for some tasteless soup or some powdery shakes. Mmmm... Can't you just taste the deliciousness...

And what if you have an active social life? Well, the sales reps solution to that was to not eat out if I am going to be social. What if I do business lunches? They ask that I don't.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Look, I am not doubting its validation. Clearly, as depicted by the photos of the white trashy customers, the program has worked for some. But it's a joke to me.

How much does it cost? The website doesn't say. Eff that. That basically means "too much" to me.

The reps at the booth meant well, I'm sure. But when I made mention of Jenny Craig, they were snarky and when I asked if they had done the program themselves, they had not. One rep did, but just to lose a "quick 10 pounds." Sure, why not? She was as skinny as my left arm. Ew. And these women are there to counsel the patients. First of all, they should not be referring to customers as patients. That gives me the heebie jeebies. Nor should they be counseling people without training or experience to back it up. That's insanity.

The whole thing was just really deplorable to me and it makes me sad that any asshole can start a weight loss business with a few bucks and a bad idea.

"Smart For Life" is DUMB, people. Just a dumb, stupid idea. I am offended by its very existence.

(FYI, the counselors at Jenny Craig are 99% former customers and receive extensive training and certifications before they are hired. Throughout their employment, they have to attend more training. I looked into it.)

Ain't No Cure For The Summertime Foods

I took control of my Jenny Craig experience today.

I've felt rather unmotivated as of late. My rapid loss has slowed, if not froze, and of course that's discouraging. Clearly, I have no one to blame for this but myself but that doesn't bring me any comfort. It's a really horrible cycle that I don't know how to explain. You see, you wanna lose the weight, you wanna look good and feel better, but you also want the taquitos at Senor Fred's! You wanna see that number go down every week when you step on the scale, but you also want to sit and do nothing instead of exercise. And it sounds like an easy choice but it just isn't.

Do my friends support me? Check. They are amazing.

Does my family have my back? Absolutely.

Is work a challenge? No. It's the easiest place for me to be.

So what makes me fuck it up? Will I ever understand?

Today I took a step in the right direction, I think. I went to Jenny Craig today for my weekly appointment and my usual counselor, Deniece, wasn't in so I had to meet with a sub, Angela. But I just LOVED Angela. I was pleasantly surprised. She's closer to my age, she's going through the process herself, she's got a similar lifestlye to mine and she just sat there and talked with me for as long as I needed. She was amazing. She was motivating. She was hilarious! I instantly loved her! And I didn't care anymore that I might hurt Deniece's feelings. When it came time to make my appointment for next week's check-in, I asked to be switched to Angela's client roster. And that was that. I have some guilt about it because I like Deniece, but she put the nail in her own coffin when I found out there were some books and CDs I was supposed to receive when I signed up and never got. WHat is up with that, right?

So now, with my confidence rebuilding, my counselor reinvigorating me, and my stack of motivational CDs and helpful text books, I feel like I can take it on again. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Stuck at The Office With Just Diet Dr. Pepper to Keep me Company

I am "this close" to converting from a Diet Pepsi obsessor to being a Diet Dr. Pepper desciple. Of course, this is mostly attributed to the soda machine here at work only serving Coke products and my abhorence of Diet Coke.

It's funny now that I find myelf such a fan of these drinks when in high school and college, I completely refused to drink diet soda. I didn't like the taste. But I guess we adapt when we have to.

Which makes me think about other things I like and don't like. When we were little, my brother and I were only allowed Cherrios and Rice Krispies. Nothing ultra-sugary like Lucky Charms or Fruit Loops. We were so jealous of our friends who got to have the fun cereals. I wanted marshmallows in my breakfast, dammit! We were never allowed to stay up too late or eat after 8, nor did my mom enjoy it when we brought soda to the dinner table. This is why I am such a huge fan of iced tea, I suppose?

Is it because it was withheld from me so stringently that I sought it out with such fervor later on in life? Maybe as an act of rebellion?

Funny story - when I lived in Tucson and packed on the "freshman 15" (which was more like the frosh. 30 in my case), I decided to give up caffeine in some quest to be healthier. So, completely misguided, I switched to Hawaiian Punch as a habit. This should tell you something about my mentality as a silly kid living away from home for the first time.

I guess at some point or another, every kid thinks they know everything.

Introducing Be-a-Trooper-Tuesday

Today: Gained 1.6 pounds.

Well, it has to happen. It's naive to believe I'll go down every week. Not only that, but considering 4 days vacation, I prefer to take my gain, because it's so small, as an accomplisment.

So that's the way I phrase it: "I only gained 1.6 pounds."

Back on track. Now. And enjoying a Diet Dr. Pepper.

Sin City

I was fine during most of my trip to Las Vegas. I was far more concerned this weekend with how I felt as opposed to what I ate. I'd already conceded to myself that I was going to have a free-eat weekend. Vacation is vacation, after all.

I had a breaking point on Friday night. We were getting dressed to go out and I looked like hell. The way I felt, I could have been in a gown- it may as well have been burlap potato sacks.

I must have changed my outfit 7 or 8 times. I was sweating, I was crying in the hotel room, I was totally having a panic attack. Just because I couldn't find something to wear. Which seems ridiculous to me now. It's not usually a problem. Oh sure, I'm not skinny and my clothes aren't Armani, but I know what works with my body. I'm good with that. I dress to flatter what I've got to deal with.

Anyway, it was completely irritating. But I ended up in jeans and my favorite top. Comfort clothes. And it was okay. But I felt foolish. It was a shame I couldn't shake all night.

On Sunday, when we were waiting in the valet area to leave, I spied a woman, not too far away, who was just beyond morbidly obese. I was fascinated by her. I wondered where her clothes came from. And I noticed how fat and swollen her feet and ankles looked in her Crocs. I thought about how horrible the heat must be for her. If I could barely take it, she must be dying. And I felt overwhelmingly sad for her. I empathized with her. She was quite large, much more so than I, but I suddenly didn't feel too unlike I imagined she did. And she was smiling, hugging people good-bye before she got in the car, and I saw her get into the backseat of a Camry. I marveled over how she just got into the car and couldn't believe she fit.

That could have been me. I mean, it pretty much was or is. And all those obstacles - cars and plane seating and movie theaters... It's no less painful or embarassing for either of us.

It's an excrutiating thing to think on.