CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Happy New Year!

 

Because Because Because

I have to say, up front, that for the most part, I have very supportive parents. I am very lucky that way. And frankly, most parents would have given up by now. I mean, I've done counseling and nutritionists (yes, plural as in I have tried them more than once), Lindora (twice), Weight Watchers (countless times), Fen Phen, diet pills... My weight problem is not new. I've battled it all my life.

So that's how I know that when my mother opens her big mouth and says something painfully awful, it comes from a place of meaning well. But it doesn't ever reduce the sting.

On Friday, I asked my boss for a promotion. Long story short, she had a very curt, formal, non-expressive response and it sent me into a spiral of confusion. When my mom asked me how the meet went, I told her what had happened and my mom, as she does, tried to figure out why it ended the way it did. Whereas my father comes at things like this from a business perspective, my mom comes at a little more like.... well, a woman. LOL.

"Has she ever expressed a dissatisfaction with your appearance or weight? Maybe that's why she wasn't interested?"

To which, without thinking, I spat out "fuck you."

Now, I would never EVER tell my mom to fuck off but God that hurt. I immediately just reacted as if she was some person, and not my mother. But I then broke down crying and yelled at her how hurtful it is when she says such things and how I know plenty of mothers that would just take my side and not judge me and tell me how great I am and that I deserve to be promoted, and so on. She apologized but only after I told her to but then she also started to cry because (I assume) she felt so bad she'd hurt me so deeply. Then she went into the "you know how much I love you" bit and I just suggested we forget that the conversation even happened so that I could get over it and would not have to lord it over her forever and ever.

Mothers and daughters. Complicating lives since the dawn of man.

Coming Back

I find that when I am at my heavier size, I am far more meticulous about my appearance. Is my pony tail in place? Is my makeup all good? Is that horrible pimple on my chin any closer to going the fuck away?

This week, it's a cold sore. Above my lip. It looks hideous. It doesn't matter how else I might look, it's just nasty and it ruins everything. It's dried out and scabbed over and frankly, I feel uglier, greaiser and fatter as a result of it.

I have a date tomorrow night - do I keep it? I wouldn't wanna look at me across a table. I certainly wouldn't want to kiss me. LOL.

Readers, I need advice. Miracle cures? Amazing cover-up makeup ideas? Should I stay home and put a hot compress on it or just throw caution to the wind and show my scabby face to the world?

I'm pretty grossed out right now.

And my holidays? God, I wish people would stop asking me how my "holiday season" was. Wait, let me rephrase that. I wish people who know I am JEWISH would stop asking me how my holiday season was. They are really asking me how my Christmas was and you know, Hanukkah ended weeks ago. Maybe it's just my foul mood today but all I associate the holidays with at this point is copious amounts of bad-for-me-food and I'm over it.

That being said, I sure hope all of you had a nice holiday. HA!

Seasons Greetings

Wishing one and all a happy, healthy and safe holiday!

Checking up on myself

So I haven't blogged in a while. It's not for lack of desire, mind you; it's just that I haven't had anything particularly interesting to say.

I lost a pound at Jenny this week. It was rather unexciting, though, as it by no means made up for the massive FOUR I gained last week. But I'm still on my period (last week, PMS. This week, the mother of all periods, I swear) so I should cut myself some slack but I'm just frustrated.

Of course, the office is like foodfest 2007 this week. It's really insane. I guess when you work for a company KNOWN for selling the holiday spirit, it is to be expected. Basically, our office manager goes apeshit. Monday was "Winter Solstice Day" where we came into the big meeting room and found all white things. Coconut cake, coconut cream pie, powdered donuts, white chocolate... I'm telling you, it was disgusting (and by disgusting, I mean delicious). Tuesday was Kwanza which is really the only day I can get behind because they serve fruits and veggies. Yesterday? Christmas. And I guess it's because our office manager is Italian we get italian pastries. Today is the day we celebrate birthdays for December- cake, cake, pie and more pie. Did I mention cake? And tomorrow is Hanukkah. Potato pancakes and bagels and rugalach cookies- this is my favorite day. 

God God, it's just like the digestion olympics or something.

To Do List

Things I will do tonight:

Make a salad. Eat salad.

Watch some long-forgotten tivo'd TV.

Do at least one load of laundry.

Things I will NOT do tonight:

Eat my weight in chocolate.

Give into my Doritos craving.

Drink caffeine after 7pm.

What can I say? I'm an ambitious gal.

Goonies Never Say Die!

Dear Universe,

What did I ever do to you?

No really, it seems like every time I catch up, every time I get my head above water, you smite me down with your malevolance and here I am, with an eye infection that cost me $60 at the doctor this morning and will cost another $60 for the pill I need to fix it. And don't even get me started on how I pretty much look like Sloth from Goonies.

Well I'm onto you, universe. I see what you're doing and at this time of year, when I am determined to enjoy myself, dammit, you won't stop me.

So suck an egg, universe. Go ahead and bite me.

Hugs and kisses!

The results are in. But they aren't pretty.

I guess I can't be surprised that I gained 4 pounds at weigh-in today.

I really stacked the odds against me, in fact. My boss is out of town so I wore jeans today. I couldn't make my 2:25 appointment so I went at 6:30. So whereas I usually have a virtually empty stomach at weigh-in, I had lunch and my afternoon snack in me. Oh, and also, it is currently my - as Meg says - "lady times."

Oh yeah, and lest we forget I have been the human garbage compactor this week.

Lesson learned? Only time will tell. We now resume your regularly scheduled diet...

Here's Honesty

My God, I am so exhuasted right now I am actually crying. And not just like dribbling tears from my tired eyes. Like I actually put my face down in my hands and sobbed. It felt sort of good to be honest but when it's all done, the reasons for the tears still leave me feeling shitty.

For starters, my financial situation just blows. I have had to ask my dad for money again- not a lot but even a little hurts my pride- and I can never get through an e-mail or phone call about money without tears these days. Ridiculous.

Work sucks. It just does. I love what I do and my co-workers are really teriffic people but my boss is doing a really good job killing me slowly and securing my future in a mental institution. It makes me even more depressed because at my last job, I had three crazy bosses but I was paid better and the job was so easy it was a joke. I took this job to get into the field I wanted to build my career in and I am 100% sure I did the right thing but there are days and moments like this where it hurts a lot to consider.

School is finally getting to me. I've actually done a pretty good job managing my life, my job and whatever else thrown at me combined with grad school up until now but my final paper is due tomorrow and I've had it. I really only have a couple pages left to write but I am so exhausted and so sick if THINKING that those two pages may as well be 45. So then I wonder, "how the hell will I get through my thesis next semester?" and I want to throw something into a wall.

TV sucks. I know that, in the grand scheme of things, sounds incredibly lame but in my loneliest times, TV has been my best friend and I admit it. I am a TV junkie. And with this strike, there is shit to watch. I have stockpiled episodes of things I will watch gradually and slowly but in a week, the Tivo will be empty and I will be sad. This actually depresses me.

And lastly, as a result of this or maybe just because I am stupid, I am eating like a cow. I said it in my last entry- seriously, if it's edible and I can reach it, I will put it in my mouth and digest it without hesitation or really any regret. I know it is wrong, I know what I am doing as I am doing it and it just continues. At lunch today, the amount of bread I put away was shameful.

I will not, I will not, I WILL NOT cancel my Jenny appointment this week. I have to get my ass in there and face the music. Maybe a little reality will shock me back into some sort of sanity.

Okay, really, just two more pages. I know I can push it out.

And by the way, as an afterthought - not to harp on it or anything- but if I don't get some nookie soon, I will be a far grumpier gal and it will be an ugly situation!

An Even Fatter Girl

Here's the problem. When I'm depressed? Usually, you can't force the food on me.

This week? Depression seems to be synonymous with HUNGRY.

I mean, really, I am ravenous. You cannot offer me enough food. And what is it you're offering? Oh, nevermind cause I really don't seem to care. Is it edible? Great! Bring it on!

I've been having financial problems and I was so excited to be OUT in a RESTAURANT last night, courtesy of a generous friend, that I ate as if I'd been starving myself for days. Steak, potatoes, bread, chocolate, wine... God, I felt like royalty.

And you know what? Not a bit of remorse afterward. I admit it. Food is supposed to be only a temporary comfort but I felt so great about my delicious dinner that I went right on ahead and ate crap for lunch today.

And that's just the last two days. Believe me, readers, what I have put in my mouth this last week rivals the all-you-can-eat buffets in Vegas.

I blame the holidays. Damn them and all their happiness and joy and sprit. And delicious food.

Some day soon - like Monday - I'll come to my senses and go back to being a good girl but I am too depressed to not enjoy myself right now.

Go and figure that one out and let me know what you come up with.