What I Need is a Good Therapist

You're gonna have to pardon me in advance because while I normally try to refrain from cussing here like I do in "real life" (seriously, I know I have a very unladylike foul mouth), I am too depressed and too angry to control myself tonight.

I am so sick of trying to please my mother. I don't know why, at my age, I even continue to try but don't we all do this?

On my way to Passover dinner, to see my mom Saturday night, I joked in the car how I knew she would immediately make a crack about my messy hair. I was going for a cute-curly-poofy thing that didn't come out all right but I thought it was passable. And she did not disappoint. Even in the presence of the friend I brought home with me, after hello (or did she even say hello?), she gave me "that look" and commented on the hair.

On Sunday, she commented again on the hair and even gave me a hair gel she thought I might like. She disguises that kind of thing as a favor or gift, but it's an insult. I am not fooled. Actually, an hour before she and my father were coming to pick me up, she called to check what I planned to wear. God forbid I wear something inappropriate, my cousins and Aunts and Uncles might think she was a shitty parents.

Dark jeans and a black top, by the way. We don't dress up in my family -- my Uncle, for example, was in gym shorts and a t-shirt.

I helped myself to a chcolate covered macaroon. In fact, I had one on Saturday night- just one! And then I had one on Sunday night. When my mom looked at me in a way that clearly said "do you really need that?" I went ahead and had a second one. Cause you know what? Fuck you. Scold me like a 5 year old and I'll do it twice to spite you. No, it's not mature but I just don't give a shit.

Yes, I will cut my nose to spite my face. Go ahead. Dare me. Tempt me.

When I signed up for Karate, they laughed at me. Both of my parents. When they were done laughing, I sort of whined how that hurt my feelings and then, when my mom apologized, she lectured me on how I would probably hurt myself and needed to be extra careful.

Again? Fuck you.

I had my first group class tonight and I was JAZZED. It totally kicked my ass. I was red in the face and sweaty and sticky and exhausted but I was so PROUD of myself and felt SO good about it. I am excited for Wednesday night. And why did I call my parents? I guess I was naively hoping they would care. But I got a lecture from my mother about how much crap I put in my mouth over the weekend and she is done (oh yeah- "done." right.) talking to me about it because she is sick of arguing.

Who argues? She lectures. She nags. She guilts. And I take it like a sucker. And I feel like shit.

My thyroid has always been borderline. But I took a blood test a couple weekends ago and I guess this time, it came back that I definitively have a problem. So I gotta take a pill. Big deal. My mother ranted that I can't go through my life fixing my problems with pills.

She didn't say that, by the way, when she went on a perscription weight loss pill. Or when my father went on blood pressure meds or blood thinners or thyroid pills or ambien...

So what do I do - NOT take something? Yeah, that's a great effing idea. Let's let it become a MAJOR problem and REALLY make it hard on me to lose a few pounds.

Who doesn't LOVE a challenge? Better yet, an IMPOSSIBLE challenge. Woo hoo, mom.

Say it with me, one more time: Fuck you.

God, I am so hurt and angry and disappointed, I am completely NOT hungry - and that means something. I tried to eat some fruit but took one look at it and felt sick.

I'm slightly heartbroken at the reality of it all. I know my parents love me and I do love them. I just wish I didn't feel like I had to meet their approval - I wish I could shake that. But I wish, of course, they would, just once, APPROVE. Or, at the very least, FAKE IT AND SHUT UP.

Comments

[Michelle]

I've been reading this blog for the past few weeks and I only now feel compelled to write...if only because I've been through this as well. I think it's a special skill that Jewish parents have - they love you so much that they will hurt you in the process (or at the very least guilt the shit outta you!). My Mom has been known to harp about my weight and then when I lose weight, tell me I look like a cancer patient and offer me a "bisselle" chocolate. My Dad will also give me THAT LOOK if I eat dessert, but will happily scoop on a couple of tablespoons of jam over giant blocks of Sarah Lee pound cake.

I guess it's a case of "do as I say, not as I do"...and to us independent types, that's like a red flag to a bull. I've been known to eat with WAY more lip smacking gusto (and more in quantity) simply because my Dad gave me the "do you need that?" look.

Anyway, just wanted to say I sympathise...parents are parents, what can you do?!

Also, I find your writing fun and refreshing - keep up the good work.

Michelle

[Becky]

You know it's weird! I didn't think we were sisters but you were describing MY MOM!

oh honey, it's a Jewish Mother thing. I'm sorry... it's just what we endure as Jewish daughter. Hey the upside is you can do this to YOUR kid someday.

Kidding about the last part!

Hang in there!

[Denise]

Hi there. Just found your blog a few weeks ago and have enjoyed reading your candor and wit. I am also overweight and my mom was much like your mom is except she was Catholic.
My mom had always been bad about saying negative things to me and talking to me about how much I was eating. I finally got so sick of it that every time she would say something about it I would say "I don't want to talk about this right now" and then just segue into another topic. I didn't get pissed I just set up clear boundaries. It worked and she stopped. The thing is that you have to also stop seeking approval from her too.

The sad part of my tale is that my mom died from lung cancer last February after we found out about it in January. Now I have an aching hole in my heart and I wish she was here again. We'd really moved past a lot of crap and formed a better relationship.

I guess my advice would come down to: set boundaries, take care of your heart and emotions, and love your mother anyways because you don't know how long you will have with her in the end.

[Jinny]

Would you feel better if I sued your parents for that tumble I took down your stairs back in '97?

And what the hell?!? Your mother was on prescription weight loss pills? In what world would your mother need a weight loss pill? Who is her doctor and how can I get some of that?

[Darcie]

I can't even begin to tell you how much I can relate. Since I was about five, my mom's been on my ass about standing up straight, saying (this is verbatim, by the way), "Suck in your gut!" Fun times.

To this day, she makes it a priority to chastise me about my weight, my decisions, the way I (we) raise our children, what we call them, just everything. She's so nitpicky and mean, I mean just downright rude. And it seems the older she gets, the meaner she gets.

It sucks because I've always looked up to my mom and I love her to pieces, but have to fight like hell to get her to say anything positive.

So...*hugs*

[Emily]

I too have been reading your blog for a while and haven't commented yet...and like the other readers, I can completely relate to the situation.

I always want to please my mother, no matter what, even if I know that I am right and she is wrong. I always feel guilt and the stakes are raised by the fact that we're both very hard-headed people. I find it so hard to get past sometimes. You can call it a "weakness" or you can look at it as undying love...the important thing to remember is that the tension is a sign of how much you care (sooo backwards, I know!).

I agree with the person who said to set boundaries. Nip the conversation in the bud. In your case say, "I can't talk about this right now, but I will talk about karate!" And if they're not interested, then you're off the hook! Keep your inner calm and repeat your favorite mantra to yourself. Block everything else out and just smile at them when they're done.

You can do this! I know you want to bang your head against a wall/cry/tear your hair out, whatever! Just do this for yourself, forget everyone else!

[Michelle]

Fuck that shit! My parents are Jewish; it's usually my mother who is the asshole. I attribute that weird "do-what-you-want-why-are-you-doing-that" look and phrase to being made to feel guilty about pleasure in her own youth. My grandmother is one of two Holocaust survivors in their family of nine and treats my mother the same way (I wonder if anyone else's grandparents are survivors?).

I'm 28 and still can't make my mother happy. Boundries have never worked; she has absolutely no conscience. So we don't talk anymore, and though I miss what could have been, I'm so much freer and happier. Hang in there, girl... but I've read you bitch about this before, and y'all know it's deep-seeded. Don't let them bring you down; stand up for your beautiful self.

[Jerome]

I'm just writing to third the importance of establishing good boundaries with difficult people, which is easier said than done, but not impossible. Your mother sounds quite similar to MY Jewish mother (and grandmother), and the lesson that I've had to learn over and over again (I'm 30 now, and I think it's finally sinking in) is that you cannot control other people's behavior. The only thing that you can control is YOUR response, both internally and in terms of what you say. If your mother is really upsetting you, dropping a conversation-killer like, "I'm not comfortable with this discussion," might be a good solution. Another might be to change the topic. Above all, try to maintain a semblance of internal calm (again, easier said than done) so that you can respond appropriately rather than fanning the flames.

[Cori]

Well, my mother was Lutheran, but she might as well have been Jewish. My entire life I could never do anything right. My hair, my clothes, my weight, the way I walked, etc., etc. I would have horrible screaming fights with her and unfortunately would tell her "fuck you" right to her face. I still regret that. She always told me I better marry a rich man, because I wouldn't make anything of myself on my own. This puzzled and worried me, because I didn't want a man to take care of me, and as it turns out, I'm gay. Anyway, when I was in my late thirties, Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It was very slow progressing and I watched her die for eight years, all of which were spent in a nursing home. I remember the first time she looked at me and asked me who I was, it blew me away. Those last eight years were the only years Mom and I got along. We didn't argue, she didn't nag or belittle me. I just sat and held her warm hand and she would smile at me once in awhile. She's been gone three years now, and I miss her, but I don't miss the way she treated me bad. I now try to remember only the good things about her, which I now recall were many.
You can take what you want from this story. I always tell my friends who still have their parents to cherish their Mom and Dad. They often come back and tell me that whenever their parents piss them off, they think about what I've said about cherishing their parental units, and it helps them through the anger.

[erika]

hmmmm, lots of ragging on the jewish parents here. not all jewish moms are a woody allen cliche. Fortunetly, my jewish mom lets me live my life the way I choose to. i am also the grandkid of holocaust survivors, i declared myself agnostic, and i even married a nice non jewish boy. and guess what? my parents are my best friends. overbearing parents come in all races and religions,not only jewish mothers. your mom prob does this to you because she obviously cares and thats how she shows it, and maybe her mom did the same to her? all you can do is tell her how much it hurts you. life is not easy, and sometimes moms are pains,but in the end your mom is your one true best friend..

[Katie]

I just wanted to comment that you really made me think twice about criticizing my own daughters about such matters.

As a mom of 2 teenagers, I have gotten some passive/aggressive comments in -- thanks for your honest and insightful blog.

I have to remember to tell my daughters on a regualar basis a very important fact: they are beautiful & amazing girls, inside and out!!!

[Gayle]

Who's mom is this again? I wasn't sure if I was reading about your mom or mine. Great post!

My mother was a southern belle who loved mixed signals. My favorite was when she said I was too plump for volleyball as a kid. But, if I could lose 15 pounds first THEN it would be ok to register.

That's not something my daughters ever heard from me. :)

Thanks for blogging about this. I think you are doing great by focusing on the positive moments. That's so inspiring! So is the karate class! I can't wait to read more about how it's going!

Good luck. Keep it up!