- Stand on the right. Walk on the left. The thing MOVES. If you wanted to walk, you should probably find the stairs. But that said, it seems fair and courteous for the lazy to stand on the right so the over-achievers can rudely rush past you on the left. You see this a lot in airports when people are late for flights because security felt them up for too long. This rule does NOT excuse people with strollers, far too many shopping bags, or a need to stand in second position across the whole width of the escalator.
- Your child is not controlling the escalator. So really, running down to the bottom or up to the top in order to pull it or push it along is useless. I know this. You know this. Keep them out of my way. I'm not gonna apologize anymore when I brush them.
- Stopping cold at the end of the track? Unacceptable. The end of the escalator is NOT a good spot to stop and contemplate your next destination. Why not? Because 27 people coming off the escalator behind you CANNOT GET THROUGH! I realize this seems like common sense to most but you know you've seen these people. You know you've secretly hoped to crash right into them if for no other reason than to teach them a lesson.
- If your child is petrified of the escalator, then for CRYING OUT LOUD, do not force them onto it, kicking and screaming, and therefore instilling the fear of GOD into other riders. DEAR LORD. Similarly, it's probably REALLY important your child knows that one side goes UP and the other goes DOWN. This is so your child does not accidentally flail themselves down the wrong one leaving me to be Wonder Woman and rescue your child from an escalator bloodbath in Barnes & Noble (oh yes, this really happened).
Don't judge me, kiddies. You'll see. I'm right. You're gonna want to print this out and hand it to people in malls. Mark my words.
And if you're not going to listen to me, at least listen to Brody:
