CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Quote of the Day

You gotta love it....

"To preserve your sexy, you must change your diet."

-Sean "Diddy" Combs

Henceforth, I will be a Rapper

Lookit! One of my teen's friends (something like that - it gets convoluted) saw this:

Quick! Fetch me my gold chains and an Adidas track suit, STAT! 

My Oldest Shirt

I don't remember how old I was but I was probably around ten when my grandfather gave me my Lakers nightshirt. 

I don't remember how he happened to have it but it probably had something to do with the industry he worked in (he was some kind of buying or sales manager in ladies intimates - no joke). 

When I was younger, that shirt was ginormous on me. It must have been because when I wear it now, it's still huge on me. Of course, in the over-20 years I've had it, it's surely stretched out. 

It's been worn and washed so much, it's basically see-through. It's got a ton of holes in it. It's really just unwearable. But I keep it in my drawer and ocassionally take it out to threaten my mother with it. I will not let her throw it away. I will not take it to her house. 

Once or twice in the last couple years, when I have felt most vulnerable, I have taken the shirt out, put it on over whatever I'm wearing, and curled up with my teddy bear in bed. 

It takes me right back to feeling ten years old and safe and warm. It somehow still smells... comforting. Can a shirt smell "comforting?" I have no idea. I swear it does. 

I think on the shirt's last day of life, when at last it is basically a disintegrated former piece of fabric, I will probably cry and mourn.

My tattered, horrible, beloved Lakers nightshirt. 

 

Quote of the Day

The Short List: Tips to Lose Weight

I liked this little list. See the expanded suggestions here.

Quote of the Day

Sold my old dresser on Craigslist this week. Got a lot of nice e-mails, a few funny ones, and this gem I could not resist sharing:

 

"Hello, is this still for sale? I would like to pick it today if there isn't anything majorly wrong with it ie terminates or something like that. Whats the best time to reach you."

 

E-mail was sent last night at 11:15pm so I think "today" is out of the question but if he wants to inspect my place for "terminates,"... maybe I should let 'im? 

WTF, @Pinterest?!

 

Here's MY beef. With Pinterest.

It's all the rage, in case you hadn't heard. Over 10 million users in record time. It drives more traffic than Google+, YouTube and LinkedIn combined. There are already books on it, so-called Pinterest "experts," integration strategies, share buttons, parody pinboards (I enjoy fake Mitt Romney)... I love it a lot, personally, and am currently integrating it into every single PR proposal I make these days. 

But here's the thing I'm slowly realizing.

There are ten million GENIUS ideas out there and SHIT, there are just NOT enough hours in the day. I want to do SO MANY of these fabulous things and I find, most of the time, when I get downtime, all I can REALLY motivate myself to do is... well, siddown. 

So thank you Pinterest. For all of your awesomeness. For being colorful and fun and expansive and addicting. And thank you for reminding me there are never going to be enough hours in the day! 

Dammit. 

 

 

Way to go, Levi's Jeans

With thanks to my friend Becky, I could not resist posting this... 

 

I learned a new word today, boys and girls. Check it: BADVERTISING. Like it? Me too. Now check out a prime example of it...

 

A controversial ad for Levi’s “Curve ID” brand of jeans has drawn fire for claiming “hotness comes in all shapes and sizes,” while depicting only one size: Small.

The average American woman is a realistic size 14, but the models in Levi’s’ ad all appear to be in the low single digits. In fact, the only noticeable change from figure to figure is an increasingly protruding backside. (And I had to really look to even notice. I would happily take any of their waistlines over my own, readers.)

A Levi’s spokesperson says the ad is from last year, and is by no means “representative of all women’s body types across the globe.” (Give that guy a raise – he knows his shit, right?)

The Curve ID line claims to offer relief for curvy women who have a hard time finding a pair of jeans to fit their shape. But Levi’s choice of cuts suggests a hint of judgement: There’s “Slight,” “Demi,” “Bold,” and the recently introduced “Supreme.” 

I am not relieved. In fact... OUCH.

 

 

 

A COFG "Exclusiv"

What can I say - I love the vodka. So I wasn't gonna turn my back on a new brand. I am an equal-opportunity drinker, after all. They just wanna keep sending me free things to try... I love "they" so very much. 

*hiccup*

Exclusiv vodka has a fresh, clean taste I would say tastes better than Smirnoff, to be sure. It is less expensive than Smirnoff, besides. It made for a great dirty martini because it has a nice, subtle peppery after-taste. Note: I seldom drink vodka straight but if someone is nice enough to send me a bottle to try, I always will. This pleasantly surprised me. The vodka market is probably more populated than the average consumer realizes and even I haven't heard of all of them. I certainly had not heard of Exclusiv, so I did not know what to expect. I was really, quite pleasantly surprised. And the blog entry title really just writes itself, doesn't it? Well done on naming the vodka.

If you are at all familiar with the BTI index, it might also interest you to know that with 91 points, Exclusiv scored on par with (my favorite vodka) Kettle One. I mean, that's a SOLID score. It's just a notch below Grey Goose, which is three times the price. So who knows? Maybe money doesn't buy you better booze. 

So if you're a "bang for your buck" kind of person, this is a GREAT vodka to fit that bill. It has my "thumbs up." Or I should say "bottoms up," right? Well, we'll work on the ratings system...

 

 

And speaking of drinking, what holiday is on its way? St. Patrick's Day! 

Here are some Exclusiv cocktail suggestions:

Exclusiv Saint Pat’s-tini

2 oz Exclusiv Vodka

1/2 oz Creme de Cocoa

1 oz Bailey's Irish Cream

1/2 oz green Creme de Menthe

Exclusiv Passion

2 oz. Exclusiv Vodka
1 oz. Alize Passion Red Liquor
1 oz. Mango Puree
1 oz. Fresh Sour mix
3 Lemons, 1 Mango Slice
Combine first four ingredients in a shaker. Strain into martini glass. Squeeze 3 lemons.  Garnish with mango slice.

 

Exclusiv Sangria

1 750 ml. bottle dry white wine
12 oz. Exclusiv Citrus Vodka 
4 oz. Grand Marnier
4 oz. Orange Juice
4 oz. White Grape Juice
4 oz. Pomegranate Juice
4 oz. Fresh Lemon Juice
2 oz. Simple Syrup

 

Exclusiv Bomb Pop

1/2 oz Exclusiv Orange
1/2 oz Exclusiv Raspberry
1/2 Orange Curacoa
1/2 Sour mix
Splash 7up
Shaken, poured as a shot - s

ink grenadine

With thanks to Hollywood Connections PR.

 

Escalator Etiquette

Ladies and gentlemen, I propose the following escalator etiquette be instated worldwide in order to establish a functional, NOT mentally-debilitating escalator experience for all involved. This goes double for malls. People turn into total idiots in malls.

- Stand on the right. Walk on the left. The thing MOVES. If you wanted to walk, you should probably find the stairs. But that said, it seems fair and courteous for the lazy to stand on the right so the over-achievers can rudely rush past you on the left. You see this a lot in airports when people are late for flights because security felt them up for too long. This rule does NOT excuse people with strollers, far too many shopping bags, or a need to stand in second position across the whole width of the escalator. 

- Your child is not controlling the escalator. So really, running down to the bottom or up to the top in order to pull it or push it along is useless. I know this. You know this. Keep them out of my way. I'm not gonna apologize anymore when I brush them.

- Stopping cold at the end of the track? Unacceptable. The end of the escalator is NOT a good spot to stop and contemplate your next destination. Why not? Because 27 people coming off the escalator behind you CANNOT GET THROUGH! I realize this seems like common sense to most but you know you've seen these people. You know you've secretly hoped to crash right into them if for no other reason than to teach them a lesson. 

- If your child is petrified of the escalator, then for CRYING OUT LOUD, do not force them onto it, kicking and screaming, and therefore instilling the fear of GOD into other riders. DEAR LORD. Similarly, it's probably REALLY important your child knows that one side goes UP and the other goes DOWN. This is so your child does not accidentally flail themselves down the wrong one leaving me to be Wonder Woman and rescue your child from an escalator bloodbath in Barnes & Noble (oh yes, this really happened). 

Don't judge me, kiddies. You'll see. I'm right. You're gonna want to print this out and hand it to people in malls. Mark my words. 

And if you're not going to listen to me, at least listen to Brody: