CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

All Dressed Up

So I was waiting for photographic proof that I wore a DRESS on Saturday night.

It's true- I did!

I don't know how many of you are in the Los Angeles area but my GOD is it HOT. This past weekend was utterly ridiculous, right? So when it came time to get dressed for my friend's birthday party on Saturday night, I really didn't feel like there was a choice. Dress time. And sans tights, by the way, so you could actually see my pasty white legs.

I had an amazing sense of self in that dress. There is nothing special about the dress, it is more in the wearing of it that pumps me up. I know I've talked about this before. And on top of the dress, I took a little more time with my hair and makeup so I felt particularly nice.

Sadly, the heat melted away my curls and smoky eyes but I assure you, I looked good. LOL.

In this photo, you can kind of see. Not the big, happy smile on my face. It was there most of the night.

A Little Well-Placed Cleavage

Thank goodness for mixed blessings, eh?

So about 3 months ago, I ordered a couple bras off a website and I was happy that just one of them fit. The other one was supposed to go back but I put it in the box and then put the box by my bed, where it sat until today. Oh sure, I'd look at the box and think "you know, I really oughta send that back" but I just didn't. No idea why. Laziness? Stupidity?

And cut to the bridesmaid dress (that's it on the left in a far skinnier model) that I actually really like and, what's more, think I look fairly decent in. Go figure, right? But to find a bra with this dress was becoming a problem. One was too high in the back, one too high in the front. Or the straps wouldn't tuck. Or the lace was sticking out...

But there was the bra in the box. I thought of it tonight for no reason on my way home from work. I mean, who doesn't think of lingerie during their post-work commute, right? And so I came home, took out the dress and unwrapped the bra again. I tried it on first. It wasn't horrible. I knew right away why I'd wanted to return it-- the lace trim of the cup gaps a little but I put the dress on anyway and asked my roommate to zip me into it (yeah, this was not the highlight).

So yeah- it works. It TOTALLY works. I mean, of COURSE it works. Would I be writing a blog about this that went on this long if it was a failed attempt? LOL... So I am elated right now. I lucked out and got a great dress with my semi-great but totally functional bra... And part of my happiness is that bras are PRICEY, kids. Now I can hold off on a frantic shopping expedition and rest easy; keep my $60-$90 bucks.

Important Subject Matter

Ladies, gentlemen and all you other crazy people, we need to take a break from this diet shit and have a serious chat about a serious subject matter:

Bras. Under t-shirts. Old, see-through t-shirts. In the office.

Look, kids, I take a lot of pride in my appearance. Oh sure, from time to time I've been known to sulk about in pajama pants or crappy jeans- we all have those days. But when I go to the office, I try to pick out something tasteful (mostly out of fear my boss will think I am dressed inappropriately). My underwear is certainly not visible through my pants, or when I sit down. My midriff is not a noticeable attribute at the office. Even my (let's face it) massive cleavage is contained to the best of my abilities, ok?

So lately, where I work, there seems to be some consortium I missed out on attending because lately, all I see in the office are tits. I'm not joking. There must be some secret, spooky bra-club for these girls. You know what I am talking about. The see through t-shirt and the solid bra (see photo for subtle example).

Crowning achievement of the trampy-trampy-bra-club? A tattered t-shirt in a pale shade of orange brought to new life by a BRIGHT blue bra underneath.

This particular person? She makes more than I do. I just felt like that was worth pointing out.

Hey, to be clear, I am not saying I don't flaunt the twins from time to time. Nothing of the sort. On the weekends? At night? Homegirls come out to play. Wanna wear a black bra under a wife beater? Fine by me - do it up.

My point is just that at the office? No one needs to see what color your lingerie is. And it grosses me out. It's TRASHY. Don't you know you are dressing like TRASH in the office, ladies? Show some pride! Show some class! Acquire some taste! 

It's an UNDERgarment, ladies. The only people I REALLY wanna see with visible undergarments while they're working? Superman. Batman. Wonder Woman. Take a lesson.

Not Bad

Well, I need a dress. Otherwise, I'll be at some weddings naked this year. And I can't spend a fortune. If you have a referral, I'd sure appreciate it.

And here's a site that's not bad though none of the dresses really grabbed me.

http://www.igigi.com/

And Now I Prove Myself Wrong

And now, a moment of silence for my favorite pair of jeans. For years, they have brought me comfort. They fit me a little too tight 20 pounds ago, but they fit! And when I was thinner than I am now, I wore them baggy and still, I think they looked just fine. But now, a hole in the crotch and a tear in the thigh later, it is time to bid them adieu. The fabric is worn so thin, I can see more holes coming and though I've been wearing them anyway for the last few months and they've held up, it is time to face reality.

It's hard to throw away comfort-clothes. Our security blankets.

So today, unwilling to spend a fortune on jeans that (hopefully) won't fit me in a few months, I took my mom with me to the dreaded Lane Bryant. But behold: The "Right Fit." Jeans that made me not dread LB as much as I would have before.

Of course, this was not without the usual bit of comedy I always find in shopping and I wish you all could watch a YouTube clip of this or something but there I was... And I didn't know about this new sizing at LB. Last time I went there, I knew my size, I grabbed it, I bought it, I left. But here was a group of shelves with sizes 1-8 and color coding. That would be red for the majorly curvy ladies, blue for the moderate and yellow for the more straight builds. So I'm looking at this display like someone just asked me to translate Egyptian Hieroglyphics and a salesperson approaches me, asking if I need to determine my size.

"Yes, please," I say with gratitude.

She makes this hand gesture in the air and before I can so much as inhale, another salesperson walks right up behind me, lifts my baggy shirt and says "arms up!" while the original salesperson whips out a tape measure (seriously- it was like Hermione Granger in there-- "Accio! Tape measure!" POOF!) and throws it around my waist.

I am, she says, a size 7. (HA!) The last time I was a size 7, I was... well, in the womb.

It was pretty easy after that. She took a few pairs of size 7's for me to try on into a room and me, knowing better, brought in a few 6's.

When I put on the size 6, stretch-flare, regular length, color red jeans? God, it was like the choir sang and birds chirped. Of sure, I'm not gonna look like Cindy Crawford in jeans right now but for me and my body, these were perfectly satisfactory. I actually got into a 4 in the blue jeans and then a 5 in the red and a 5 in the yellow... Anyway, the ones I ended up with were the choir-singing-birds-chirping pair  I started with and I wore those puppies right out of the store.

Of course, I left MY pants in the dressing room and had to dash back for them 10 minutes later.

Price, by the way? $39.50 a pair. And that ain't bad at ALL for jeans these days. Amen.

So I gotta go back on my previous opinion and pay a little homage to Lane Bryant and thank them for their fashion services. I still saw some pretty hideous taste in that shop but I can admit when I'm wrong - there is still clearly some worth to their existence. LOL.

There you have it. Note it. Cherish it. BUY JEANS THAT FIT (Really! Because I don't need to see anymore cameltoes, muffin-tops, or fat rolls in this lifetime)!

The Fashionista

You know me, if there is one thing I love to do more than eat, it's shop so I found this new site and, of course, wanted to share with my favorite people. It's always nice to see something stylish and made with reasonable lines because if I see one more hideous number like this atrocious item below, I might just cry myself to sleep. And in the meantime, let me know if you have ever heard of Missphit before. It's cute and I'd love to know if anyone's had success with anything from it.

So yeah- for the record?

Cute:

Really... just... NOT cute:

 

Field Trip!

Lately, my favorite place to shop has been the Macy's Woman department at the mall near my home. As I know quite a few of you live in the Los Angeles area, I don't mind telling you this is the Fashion Square on Riverside in Sherman Oaks.

I have a soft spot for this mall, by the way, because when I was little, my mom managed a store there. But I digress...

On saturday, April 12, at 2pm, Macy's Woman is hosting a "fashion presentation" in their department and then giving a blanket 20% off merch. that day. They also promise music, advice, and complimentary beauty treatments.

I think I am gonna check it out. It could be sort of fun and frankly, I'd be curious to see how they organize such a show with plus size models.

If anyone is in the hood and wants to go, come and meet me! I can give you the RSVP info.

My Favorite Shirt

I am constantly impressed by my red shirt for it has magical powers. Put it on and I am no longer mild and meek girl. Put on the red Donna Karan blouse and POOF! I am SUPER WOMAN! Able to take on corporate America in her power top, slick pants and sassy black pumps!

I feel so amazing in this outfit, I wonder what it is - why I can't feel this great in my black pants and green sweater. Why doesn't my polka-dot blousy top empower me this way? What's up with that, blousy top? Work harder!

In my red shirt, I've been in a great mood all day, put up with the craptacular workplace antics, even took a couple new projects on, showing some initiative. I can do it. I am in my favorite top and the world is my oyster.

There isn't anything special about it, you see. It's just a brilliant red, 3/4th sleeves, scoop neck with some unique pleeting... But really? Just a red shirt. And yet, it makes me feel like the Queen of the Universe. I'm obsessed with this.

Does anyone else have a "red shirt?"

And BTW, here it is from some months ago - wearing said shirt in a bar. Thanks to Bex for the picture.

BOOBIES!

A personal referral from my friend Alycia, whom I've known for years -- she swear by this sports bra. As a chesty gal, I can certainly appreciate that!

Click here to check it out...

It's such a bitch for me, because heavy or not, I am still large-chested. At my "skinniest" (which was like a size 12 or 14), I was still a DDD and now, at my current weigh, I'm dealing with something like a G cup. Can you imagine? God, I get the funniest looks in department stores.

I guess I wear it well though, cause when I go into Victoria's Secret, they always offer to help me find my size and I say "oh, you don't make my size." Without fail, some sales girl will say "sure we do! What size are you?" When I tell her, she just has to concede defeat and walk away. It's just something I am used to now and find amusing. I've had some luck at Nordstrom with bras but usually I end up having to buy online.

Alycia, by the way (and I hope she doesn't mind my saying this) was a bigger girl in the days I knew her well (high school) and always battled with her weight. I remember we would compare notes on how our mothers would nag us about our size. Well, I don't have a photo of how she looked then but I have got to show you how completely gorgeous she is now... She's on the right here:

I'm gushing a bit but I'm so proud of her.

But anyway, I digress -- this was meant to be all about my boobs. A topic I am so sure you are dying to know about.

A particular favorite? When guys ask me what size I am. "Fuck you, that's what size I am," I say, borrowing a page from Dennis Leary's repetoire.

My dream is to get the weight off, get the boobs down, and pick up jogging as a hobby. I have a bad ankle but dammit, I feel like I would enjoy the freedom and spirit of it. A lot of my friends have been doing it and I envy them this activity. One of my friends has to wear two sports bras for the right kind of support - do a lot of girls do this? Just wondering. Seems like a good idea. Nothing worse than that bounce.

By the way- I HATE speed bumps. LOATHE them. 

The back problems are an annoyance. My back hurts a lot, a lot of the time and when I sleep, if I want to turn or shift, most of the time, I sort of have to double-shift and bring the boobs with me, making sure they're not being smooshed or squeezed so I am uncomfortable. This is harder than it sounds.

You understand now why I don't appreciate empire waists or certain necklines that are unrealistic. Who is designing this shit? Morons, I think. Morons or flate-chested nimrods.

And as for plastic surgery- I've considered it and boy do I want it. But no one would do it while I am this overweight. My boobs won't shrink too much from weightloss at this point but they will shrink a little. And, of course, there is the matter of paying for the surgery - whatever my crap insurance won't cover.

Total non-sequitr-- SO glad to have tomorrow off. I hope everyone is enjoying a nice, long weekend.

Just a Little FYI

I figured... Why not?

Lands' End Official Site
www.LandsEnd.com