CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

The Mystery of the Ailing Tummy

Saturday was not my most shiny, happy day but oh well.

My day began with my annual physical. My blood pressure was fine (without meds!) and my weight was... well, not fine but a few pounds less than my previous weigh-in. I always do a little happy dance when I can complete a successful urine test - I am never able to pee on command. And then came the bloodwork.

So I am not good with needles. And by "not good," what I mean to say is that I immediately cry and shake and all around FREAK OUT when a needle comes near me. I'd fasted for the blood-work so I was lightheaded to begin with. But when they were done filling up the little tubes, they pulled out the needle, I stood up... and promptly passed the hell out onto the floor. I don't know if you'd say I fainted because I was still sort of conscious but I just completely lost feeling in my legs and arms and just hit the floor. Head first. Which really hurt, by the way, and I do not recommend it for a good time.

My head hurt like a bitch after that, and the nurse gave me a shot for the pain, squarely in my rump. And did that BURN! Omigod, I could feel whatever the medication was just rush through my body like a fucking comet.

Oh, but the headache was gone in an instant. LOL.

Cut to: I arrive in Huntington Beach for my friend's bachelorette party and I find I am starving. But priorities, priorities, ladies and gentlemen - I had to cups of wine before I ate! And only then did I have a piece of penis-cake (I'm not even kidding - it was hilarious) and then a tuna salad wrap. Later at dinner, I inhaled some bread, a bit of the appetizer, a small salad, and then a small portion of my meal. The meal looked good but I couldn't get anything else in my mouth by the time i was put on the table. I'd been an eating machine all evening.

And after dinner, we walked over to hit some bars. My stomach started to hurt but I thought it was - to be honest - just gas. But it got worse. And you know that scene in the movie when the main character clutches her stomach, which is making loud noises, her eyes get wide, and she realizes she may not make it back to the hotel...? So I bolted for the bathroom to throw up. I even had a cheering section in there -- 4 latina girls who were all "you go, girlfriend! Get it OUT! Oh yeah, that feels good, don't it?"

God bless those girls.

You may ask: what have I learned from this experience boys and girls? What made me spew? Was it a reaction to the pain medicine from that morning's shot? Bad shrimp? A combination of bad food? I really have no idea what made me all pukey-pukey-barfy.

Also, I have no idea what the point of this entry was! But let this be a lesson to ya... somehow.

Shedding the Pounds for a Cause

I'm sad to admit I am not this motivated but if you're a noble person like blog-reader Eric, you might try this approach to getting in shape:

"There are many ways to raise money for charities. Eric Gamble has found a way to do it while giving himself an incentive to become a better, healthier person. He is raising funds by losing weight...."

Read the article and interview here: http://everydaygiving.typepad.com/

Celebration!

I CAN CLOSE MY MOUTH!

I CAN CLOSE MY MOUTH!

Ok, so I know you're like "Wow, she's LOST it." But seriously! I woke up this morning a swollen, disgusting mess and I couldn't even close my mouth. Then when I could finally close my mouth, it was not without a horrible pain shooting up into my ears and into my BRAIN. My mommy got me chicken noodle soup and all I could do was drink broth and let it slide down my throat because I could not chew noodles nor chicken. SO depressing!

But I was sitting here just now, waiting for the cough syrup to kick in and make me sleepy when I realized I was CLENCHING MY TEETH! Glorious!

Oh the things we take for granted...

And now I present: "What I Ate Today" OR "This is Clearly the Menu of a Sick Person."

1 bowl chicken noodle soup (sans chicken, sans noodles)
2 jello cups
6 grapes
3 bottles of water
1 liter of Lipton's diet green tea
3 scoops of ice cream

For the record, I think I have blown my nose like 348 times and peed a b'zillion times. I am not a good sick person. Can you tell?

Two people today asked me if I've lost weight- my doctor's receptionist whom I see monthly and the manager of the market next door whom I see at least weekly. Maybe I should get sick and walk around in public with dirty hair and no makeup more often.

I feel like I've just had a weekend and I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow and have the actual weekend following...

Thank you all for listening to my bitch-n-moan fest. 

I is Sick

No really, only my body would find a way to contract and EXPLODE with strep throat in like a 3 hour period.

Morning? Fine.

Noon? Fine.

Afternoon? SO SICK. Like... BOOM.

I was just minding my own business, doing work, writing blogs... and then I felt it. Fever, inability to swallow, chills, coughing, and a very unhappy tummy.

Unwilling to, for starters, believe I’d gotten so sick so quickly and also to wait out the night til morning, I headed to urgent care.

Strep throat, my poodles. She said my throat was covered in those white, pussy things- is that TMI? My temperature? 102. My blood pressure? 126 over 95 (for me this is very high actually).

I am not a happy girl.

of COURSE, tomorrow was all set to be the busiest day of my week AND I have tickets to the X-Files reunion at the Arclight. Dude, if I find out David Duchovny FINALLY admits he loves me and only me, I will cry.

Of course, the good thing about being sick all overweight people immediately think of? WEIGHT LOSS.

Anyway, that is all from this end of the world... The poor dog. He clearly knows I am sick as he will not come near me. Which is probably for the best.

The Pill

I really feel like "The Pill" could be the title of the next Elizabeth Wurtzel novel but you're not that lucky.

So I went off the birth control because I heard once, long ago, that it makes you retain more water than normal. And I thought, after being on it for 10 years, that - I don't know - if I went off it, some amazing miraculous thing would happen. Weight would just melt away, right?

RIGHT?

Yeah, not so much.

It's been ten years since I went on the pill and I'd totally forgotten what cramps felt like. I mean, it's not that I don't get them at all but nothing like I've had this week. And the CRAVINGS! Omigod, I am like insanely hungry ALL THE TIME. Is this normal? Usually, when on the pill, not a hunger pang at all. No appetite at all, in fact.

So yeah- Sunday? Right back on le Yaz.

I shall be Yaztastic again. I welcome one and all to sit around at trendy bars and discuss its side effects (this will only be funny if you've seen the commercial).

Anyway, apologies to the 2 men who read this blog. This must have been unpleasant for you. To the ladies, we are UNITED! WOOOOOO!

Lose Weight Through Your Feet?

Ok, now here's a good one:

https://www.buykinoki.com/?cid=378267

It's amazing the shit you see on TV when you stay home on a Saturday night. I guess that's the cheap ad buy on cable. Makes sense.

So you stick these things on the bottom of your feet and they suck out the toxins in your body.

Fair enough. Why not?

Then I hear the scary voiceover guy say how it sucks the cellulite off of you, and a woman turns and smiles, boasting "with Kinoki foot pads, I lost TEN POUNDS!"

Oh honey, if I could lose weight putting BANDAGES on my feet, I'd be sitting here with 17 of them taped on.

Goonies Never Say Die!

Dear Universe,

What did I ever do to you?

No really, it seems like every time I catch up, every time I get my head above water, you smite me down with your malevolance and here I am, with an eye infection that cost me $60 at the doctor this morning and will cost another $60 for the pill I need to fix it. And don't even get me started on how I pretty much look like Sloth from Goonies.

Well I'm onto you, universe. I see what you're doing and at this time of year, when I am determined to enjoy myself, dammit, you won't stop me.

So suck an egg, universe. Go ahead and bite me.

Hugs and kisses!

Who's a Cranky Monkey?

I QUIT SMOKING. AGAIN.

Last night, I got home late. About 3am. I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep, and I had a major coughing attack. I'm pretty sure, in fact, that one or both of my lungs ended up somewhere in my THROAT for a good time. I felt horrible. And it was this weezing, hacking cough that HURT.

So today, I slept in really late and then moved my ass to the couch. I was out of cigarettes and I was just too lazy to go buy more. And I thought back on last night and figured, "why not?" I've tried it before with some success. Last time I "quit" cold turkey, it lasted a year.

And I was going to do it for the new year anyway. Why wait? Tis the season for giving so I may as well give myself this gift.

I look forward to breathing again. Coming soon to a pair of lungs near me.

And if you encounter me in the next few days, I apologize in advance cause I am one cranky bitch. Thanksgiving should be, like, WAY fun.

Being Sick is So Healthy!

Ok, so you know how I am always complaining that I can't SEE that I am getting thinner?

Well, this week has been great for me.

Oh sure, I'm sick. I can't talk and I can't breathe. I'm not sleeping and I ache. BUt HEY! I'm thinner. LOL. I mean, all I've basically eaten is yogurt and soup. Whatever's liquid and I can keep down. And add to that? The antibiotics I am on send me running like a bat out of hell to the bathroom every hour.

I'm not endorsing this as a smart way to lose weight, but you won't hear me complaining!

(Stop judging me. I can feel it. You know you wish you were sick, too.)

This message brought to you by the Society for Sarcasm. ;)

Sickly Me

Well, it's November. This always means two things for me. First, that I get to recover from Halloween and start planning my costume for next year. Yes, I am that insane. In fact, I already kind of know what I want to go as and I am trying to figure out how I'll remember it for the next 11 months. But I digress. Second, is that I get sick. In November, I always get sick.

It's typically bronchitis but it was no shock to me to come down with a massive sinus infection and laryngitis. I also suspect I have an ear infection. But I mean, MASSIVE, kids. What I am blowing out of my nose could be likened to science materials at NASA, I'm sure. And if that's too graphic, I probably shouldn't tell you what I am coughing up.

The problem here diet-wise, is that when I have a cold of any kind, I am a ravenous human being. You know that saying "starve a fever, feed a cold?" I feed. I FEED. I am not starving or even that hungry but I never feel full! It's bizarre. For breakfast, I had a bagel. With my fat free margarine, mind you, but it was a bagel. I had a Jenny pizza for lunch and then about mid-afternoon, I had my leftovers from last night's dinner. And for dinner, I had my Jenny turkey burger (one of my faves) and a bowl of chicken noodle soup. DELICIOUS soup, by the way. I am the only Jew in the world who doesn't like chicken noodle soup but when I am sick, it's like eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's when I'm depressed. It's fabulous stuff.

Elixr. Mmmmm....

Right now, I am watching TV, chugging water, and thinking about what I can eat next, people. Is that weird or what?

FYI- my laryngitis was so bad this morning that I couldn't make sound. Now, I can sort of make this puberty-sounding-whisper. I am wearing leggings and a huge nightshirt with a stain on it. I am so sexy - you have no idea.