CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Escalator Etiquette

Ladies and gentlemen, I propose the following escalator etiquette be instated worldwide in order to establish a functional, NOT mentally-debilitating escalator experience for all involved. This goes double for malls. People turn into total idiots in malls.

- Stand on the right. Walk on the left. The thing MOVES. If you wanted to walk, you should probably find the stairs. But that said, it seems fair and courteous for the lazy to stand on the right so the over-achievers can rudely rush past you on the left. You see this a lot in airports when people are late for flights because security felt them up for too long. This rule does NOT excuse people with strollers, far too many shopping bags, or a need to stand in second position across the whole width of the escalator. 

- Your child is not controlling the escalator. So really, running down to the bottom or up to the top in order to pull it or push it along is useless. I know this. You know this. Keep them out of my way. I'm not gonna apologize anymore when I brush them.

- Stopping cold at the end of the track? Unacceptable. The end of the escalator is NOT a good spot to stop and contemplate your next destination. Why not? Because 27 people coming off the escalator behind you CANNOT GET THROUGH! I realize this seems like common sense to most but you know you've seen these people. You know you've secretly hoped to crash right into them if for no other reason than to teach them a lesson. 

- If your child is petrified of the escalator, then for CRYING OUT LOUD, do not force them onto it, kicking and screaming, and therefore instilling the fear of GOD into other riders. DEAR LORD. Similarly, it's probably REALLY important your child knows that one side goes UP and the other goes DOWN. This is so your child does not accidentally flail themselves down the wrong one leaving me to be Wonder Woman and rescue your child from an escalator bloodbath in Barnes & Noble (oh yes, this really happened). 

Don't judge me, kiddies. You'll see. I'm right. You're gonna want to print this out and hand it to people in malls. Mark my words. 

And if you're not going to listen to me, at least listen to Brody:

 

Shit People Say in LA

So the latest internet meme seems to be "Shit XXX Say" following the success of "Shit Girls Say" starring Juliette Lewis. There are now, literally, HUNDREDS of these rip-off videos. And I've seen many. 

But this one... This one is really my favorite so far:

 

Other favorites:

Shit Girls Say to Gay Guys

Shit Christians Say to Jews

Shit Sorority Girls Say

Exercise and Humor

My Aunt sent this to me recently and next thing I knew, I was sitting at my desk, hand slapped over my mouth, trying to contain the giggles...

So naturally, I felt I had to share:

 

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased for me a week of personal training at the local health club.  Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.  
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god--- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
_______________________________

THURSDAY:
Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He told me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

No, Mine is Real, Thanks for Asking...?

Had to fill out a basic form before having an MRI on Saturday. I had to pause and laugh when I got to this part:

Thank you for asking. 

If Only I Had Time...

I'll be back in a few days. I promise.  

If ever you wondered, I am decidedly pro cookie.

Let's be honest: we've all been here:

I like vampires, especially funny vampires

Thanks to Joe, who posted this to his Facebook. I laughed.

Where are the Princesses Now?

This e-mail fwd. made me laugh so I just had to share. Perhaps you are wondering what the Disney Princesses would be up to in modern times?

CINDERELLA

 

SNOW WHITE

 

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

 

SLEEPING BEAUTY

 

JASMINE

 

BELLE

 

Call me a cynic, but I found this hysterical.
 
 
 
  
 

  

Inspiring Image to Inspire Your 2010

Call me a cynic, call me crazy -- but this cracked me up:

Concert Goers Guide to the Audience

You know, I've been to a lot of concerts and you know what's a TON of fun at concerts? People watching. An especially at country music shows - that is the pinnacle of people watching, my friends.

And because I am taking a few vacation days and am enjoying some free time, I present you with a guide to some popular concert-going characters:

Hoochie Girls:  These are girls who go to concerts in stilettos and VERY short skirts. It's totally impractical and they probably look great but I hate them anyway. (No one said I wasn't judgemental. and frankly, I think you can wear jeans and flats and still look cute.)

People Without Rhythm:  There's one or two at every show! You know, the lady sitting like two seats over who is clearly enjoying herself more than anyone in the room but can't clap along with the beat to save her LIFE. She becomes distracting. She's on the border of crazy-town. God love 'er.

The Guy Who's REALLY Into it: He's got posters and shirts and he knows EVERY. WORD. to EVER. SONG. And OMIGOD, he tears up when the artist sorta-kinda glanced his way.

Drunk Guy: Oh, you know this guy cause he probably lived on your college campus... and he hasn't left yet. YEAH! YEAH, BABY! YEAH! Not to be confused with...

Drunk Girl: She is, like, soooooo into this show. OMIGOD! Do you wanna dance? I totally wanna dance. I loooooooooooove this song. Like, I LOVE this song. Let's go gring up on some guy! EEEEEEEEEEEE!

Random Older People:  You gotta give' em credit, right? In a room full of screaming teens and 20-somethings, there are mom and dad or Uncle Bob and Aunt Betty. And they are all smiles. You go, random older people!

And who'd I forget, concert-lovers?