CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Asthma is Following Me - LOL

Due to the fires, the persistent humidity and some hard core, mother-effing heat in Los Angeles, my asthma is being a pain in the ass. I don't have to deal with it often (it was a bigger pain when I was 12, less so now that I'm 30) so I don't have the patience for it.

So this morning, I tweeted "I am partaking of the asthma" and later, I get an e-mail announcing ASTHMA is following me on Twitter.

The absurdity of that sentence made me laugh out loud.

I hope all of my friends in SoCal are safe today. Hang in there.

Levity

Dear lord, will you please look at this photo of Meghan's cat? It's hilarious.

Who needed a laugh today? I did.

Spotted: a Jonas

I have regressed to 13. At lunch today, we were seated in a booth by the bathrooms (at Casa Vega if you are familiar) and a young man passed by. My jaw dropped an inch and my eyes went wide; my co-worker said to me "what?"

"It's a Jonas!" I whispered. "Joe Jonas!"

I have to tell you, even Nathalie, who is 70 and doesn't watch a lot of TV knew who he was so it was very exciting. And were it not a dark restaurant, you know I would have been all cell phone paparazzi all over Joe.

I wasn't toally convinced it was him til he came up to the front to settle the bill (or so the 6'3" black man with him could and he could stick his nose in his iPhone) and got a good look. Totally him.

We imagine he went promptly to Van Nuys airport to take a private plane up to Sacramento for this evening's show.

Godspeed, Joe Jonas. Safe travels. Until we meet again... Bring Nick and Kevin.  

 

A Little Humor

Thanks to Laura for this bit of humor...

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.  It said: 
 
THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?
 
A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
 
To Whom It May Concern:  Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans).  They have an active sex life; they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.  They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.  They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.   Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CD's.  They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.  If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis.  Fish or human?  They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?  Therefore they don't have kids either.  Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who's skin is all scaly and smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me... I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my grandkids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a latte with my friends. 

No Way

Could this possibly be a real person?!?!?

Hahahahahahaha.

Yeah, that's the entire entry. 

Response

Kevin asks: "Can you elaborate on said "funny little bathroom incident?" (mentioned in my recent prom entry)

Why yes, Kevin. Yes I can. LOL. But to do it, I had to steal one of the photos on your blog.

Now I think that is Kayla on the left and Michelle on the right...

So Cammy and I were in the bathroom in the lobby. We arrived at about 6:55pm and they weren't opening up the elevator (to go up to the penthouse) for ten more minutes. We took the opportunity to pee. TMI? And while we were washing our hands, we encountered Michelle, who was waiting for a free stall. We noticed her bright pink dress. And I loved her necklace.

Then we exited to the lobby. And about ten feet from where we stood was Kayla. Now, we both wear glasses and both did not have them on so we could NOT figure out how Michelle had dashed out of the bathroom, ahead of us, and ended up across the lobby. We were sober and our eyes were already playing tricks on us...

So that is the story Kevin. It's probably a little anti-climactic at this point. But yeah- I counted six or seven girls in that hot little dress.

No one was as cute as MY date, though:

The socks are the clincher, no?

For Your Consideration

I know some of my friends have been considering getting a tattoo. When I saw this, I immediately thought "Oh yes."

Sexy, no?

Unadulterated Loathing

Is it weird to say I feel mentally constipated? I keep thinking of shit I want to blog about and then I see a shiny object... What can I say - I'm adorably chidlike.

Despite my childlike wonder and merriment, it's entirely possible I'm coming to loathe the human race. I will offer examples; you tell me what you think.

On Sunday, I went into Vons to buy some snack type items and left with approximately 3 ulcers and aged about 13 years. I was in line behind a woman who spent much-longer-than-necessary arguing over her 10-cent, expired coupon. I have never wished for a dime more (even when the soda machine beckoned me the other day and I didn't have a coin on me). I would have whipped that dime out in all its shiny glory and promptly dropped it on the counter. And the cashier was no better- just GIVE HER the TEN CENTS OFF! Are you kidding me?

Never one to draw attention to myself, I said "fuck this" out loud (did I say never? I meant ALWAYS.) and moved to another line. When I left the store, the two idiots were still bickering over ten-effing-cents.

In the parking lot, a woman used MY CAR to rest her empty shopping cart on. She was lucky I'm not that quick because I woulda sent that cart right into her fender with glee.

Vons? I may hate you now.

Last night, my friend and I wanted to treat ourselves in a fancy meal so naturally we went to Cheesecake Factory. We had a great time but only because Lauren and I make our own fun - and thank God. Had we let the wretched service (over an hour wait for food), nasty food (it was brought cold), the creepy couple next to us or the waitress (she kept rubbing my back and calling us "loves") impact our evening, it would have been a nightmare. That said, a free meal is never a bad thing -- thank you, Mr. Manager. My best to Ms. over-affectionate-poorly-tipped waitress.

This morning, on my way to work, I hit a red light. There is a light near my house I NEVER make when it's green. It's the thorn in my side. It's not a big deal- it's a short light- but it is my nemesis. "Oh, here she comes, hit the switch," it says. So this morning, the SECOND the light hit green, the asshat behind me hit his horn. HIT. HIS. HORN.

I could have put my car in reverse and slammed into that guy. He deserved it.

A block later, he'd already sped up and gotten in front of me. At the next light, the light was red (AGAIN) and we were stopped beside one another. He whipped out the cell phone so I could see how impressive and needed he is (yes, yes, in his shiny 1998 Nissan). At the green light, I eased out to wait for a left turn and HE got HONKED AT.

I may loathe the human race but I sure love me some effing karma.

Hurty Skin

Looking at this photo makes my skin hurt.

I just got a text from my face that said "don't you EVER do this to me."

My Day is AWESOME, How's Yours?