CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Odds and Ends - Blogger Catchup Time

I have all these funny little anecdotes that I've been banking in the annals of my mind that I figured I'd purge all over you nice people.

I really love hockey --  it's the most loved sport in my family -- but this year, even more so than last year when my team won the cup, I got REALLY obsessed. It may have something to do with my current job, which gives me more access to the team, but there's been a lot of yelling at the television in my home this post season. I'm not saying that as a bad thing. I'm just sharing. I think I am best left alone when I watch games, is the point. (When the Kings got ousted from the post-season, I actually teared up. But the wine probably didn't help.)

Last week, I got recognized at the supermarket. I was at Gelson's, partaking in their lovely salad bar, and a girl about my age and size was staring at me. I noticed her quickly because I liked her cardigan. I bumped into her in two more aisles before I finally just said "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" She replied "I think I read your blog." I thanked her profusely and told her I liked her sweater and still feel slightly like and asshole that I didn't even get her name. So if you are reading this, black and white sweater girl from Gelson's, I love you; you made my month. Please leave a comment below so I can worship you further.

I'm still struggling to relax. I'm reading lots of articles called things like "how to say no to people" and it's not helping. I just can't do it. What I can seem to do is cancel plans. Which is probably starting to make me an asshole. The problem is (or maybe it's not a problem), I am too tired to worry about being an asshole. There's got to be an easier way... 

Consequently, I've been battling major insomina. At night, I'm up late because I cannot shut my brain off. And my body does this thing now where I wake up every morning around 5:40 to pee. 

Also, and possibly as consequence, I've had a headache off and on for about three weeks now. I should probably stop mentioning it at work. Or at all. People always instinctively ask "have you taken something" and I always wanna reply "NO. I've had a headache for three weeks but am enjoying it so much, I've done nothing to try and cure it." It's rooted in the left side of my sinus cavity and shoots up into my head, ear and down through my jaw at will. It is horrible. It is probably further proof I should have sinus surgery but that's going to stay one of those things I bitch about and never fix like my right ankle. 

I've re-signed up for online dating. Trying this again. So far, it's been a succession of offensive and/or sleezy pick-up lines and akward situations. The winner so far is Tinder, who paired me with a former youth group teen, who is now 21. I basically wanted to die. Runner up to the COUPLE who hit on me via OK Cupid. They BOTH wanted to put their hands all over me so kind of a win, I guess. 

P.S. Just now noticing I way overused the word "asshole" in this post. And not caring. Guess what that probably makes me....?

 P.P.S. NEVER EVER Google-image-search "asshole." OMG, I'm never going to recover... 

I'm Gonna Need Some Cheese For my Whine

And now, my friends, some rather poignant and touching love notes.

 

 

Oh dear, I'm sorry - did I say "love notes?" I meant IRATE AND SARCASTIC LETTERS. 

 

Dear travelers of the world,

THAT. IS NOT. CARRY ON LUGGAGE. I just piad $25 to check mine, you can pay to check yours. You can't even lift that shit up to the overhead compartment! Who are you trying to fool? 

P.S. (Virgin America heard my cries and totally gave me a $25 credit. They win.)

 

Dear Angelina Jolie,

The only people who should be wearing white satin are knights (get it?) - and there is absolutely no one who should have arms as skinny as yours. You have, like, 35 kids. How do you lift them without fracturing your scapula? 

P.S. (Even with a cane, your husband is totally hot.)

 

Dear Ricky Gervais,

You wimp. WTF? 

 

Dear MY BLADDER,

OMG, when did I turn into a 90 year old? I think I have peed 18 times today. And let's be honest, I don't give you that much to work with. My office-mates and I would very much appreciate a reprieve. I am tired of getting up every 30 minutes. I suspect a plot against us is in the works so let's get it together. 

 

Dear San Francisco,

I miss you. And you have made me miss New York. And subsequently, my best friend in New York. What city would you recommend I visit next? 

 

Dear Uggie, 

You are the most adorable dog in the history of dog-dome. I absolutely LOVED The Artist but you just stole the show. I am rushing home tonight to watch your tricks on today's Ellen via my Tivo.

I wish there was an Academy Award for animal appearances. I suspect we would very much enjoy your speech.

A Letter on Behalf of my Hips

Dear Dodger Stadium,

I have a bone to pick with you!

Damn you and your unrealistic little seats. With your hard, cold, metal armrests that cut into my sides and leave  me bruised the next morning. Look here, stadium people, I may be heavy but I am not  morbidly obese. And I could fit into a normal chair and I am even be tolerably uncomfortable in Staples Center. But put me in those tiny Dodger seats, coupled with the girl beside me being larger than I am, and what we have are the makings of really horrible seating. It's not for the likes of me. At a concert, you stand a lot and this made it better but I will not be coming to a game there in my current size, for fear sitting in the hor sun, being squeezed in by your horrid seating might ruin me. The girl beside me kept apologizing and we both know it is not her fault. It forced me to keep myright arm around my friend most of the night when we were seated and frankly, I like my friend Jessica but I had no desire to know her in the bliblical sense!

And what, pray tell, is with your concessions? Where is a pseudo-healthy alternative? At Staples, you can get a salad or some grilled soft tacos. They have caramel apples but at least it's an apple! You can even bring in your own food and they tend to let that slide. But you can forget bringing in your own food at Dodger Stadium, you facist small-seating nazis. So what is supposed to be your healthy alternative? Carl's Jr.? Panda Express Orange Chicken? Dodger Dogs or Gordon Biersch Garlic Fries? Malts or ice Cream Sandwiches? And while I'm at it, fuck you for your $5 bottles of water and your $4.75 "large" soda. Up yours for your $13 CPK mini-pizzasthat you run out , $10 beer, $20 parking of and your lack of napkins. Grrrrr....

And if you could PLEASE rennovate your digusting murky bathrooms, I would be much obliged. The smells, the muddy ground, the leaking pipes... it's enough to keep me from drinking anything 24 hours in advance of being in your park.