CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

I'm gonna be a panelist.... YIKES!

I've been invited to sit on a panel at a blogging conference in Las Vegas at the end of September... What have I gotten myself into?! I don't like to talk in front of people! EEEEEK! 

"The annual Blogalicious Weekend is THE go-to destination for influential multicultural women social media enthusiasts from all over the world to collaborate, connect and uplift one another. Blogalicious Weekend is not just a conference; its a celebration."

It's fine, of course. I'm sure I'll be okay. I'm on a panel of four -- three other great women who seem to have resumes that far exceed mine and I look forward to working with them. 

• Piera: http://www.jollymom.com/
• Barbara: http://www.one2onenetwork.com/
• Stefania: http://citymama.typepad.com/citymama/

If you'll be there, be sure to let me know so I can come say hi! If you are considering registering, you can actually get a discount on the registration fee just for reading my blog - isn't that lovely?

And if you have any tips for public speaking, my friends, I am ALL. EARS. 

Resolve

So after the semi-sad realization that I did not document any of my 2009 resolutions, I wanted to be sure to - at the very least - jot down SOME of my goals for 2010.

With that said...

1. Of course, the diet. I'm down about 30 pounds now with much more to go. This morning, for the very first time, I could see in the mirror that I was, in fact, losing weight. I have to say "so long" to a couple pairs of pants that look pretty ridiculous on me now. It's a good feeling I want to keep on feeling!

2. Eat more fish. Or, actually, cook more. It's healthier and I always, ultimately, enjoy it. I don't know why it's so hard for me to get motivated to cook. But BTW, I love fish lately. Made a lovely piece of snapper for dinner. It's delicious.

3. Bake more (for others). See #2. Times ten.

4. Write something. Not in my blog -- just something else. Maybe something in fiction. Or a short script.

5. Exercise more.

6. Pay off debt. Without struggling to do so.

7. Try some of the restaurants on my "I REALLY wanna try that" list.

8. See more movies.

9. Clean my apartment more often.

10. Read more.

And I'm gonna stop there. I already feel overwhelmed! LOL. I know there are all these jokes about not keeping new year's resolutions... Frankly, I'm not going to keep all of them up. I know it. But I'm aiming for a solid 80%. That would make me happy.

So Long to 2009

I'm stealing Rory's Facebook status:

"Dear 2009 I didn't mean to do this on Facebook but I think it is time
to see other people... Sure we had fun, some laughs along the way,
but I think it is time for us to move on.
I mean, change is hard but it's not you--it's me."

Granted, 2009 was not my worst year ever (2005? I'm looking at you!) but it ranks right up there. This was a tough year and I gotta tell ya - I'm walking away from it with a smile on my face. Partially because I'm still drunk off the emotion of a fabulous night last night and partially because I am optimistic for a better year in 2010.

I know a lot of people don't like to get caught up in new year's. I hear people say "it's just another night" and sometimes, I've been one of those people. But these last couple years, I've taken to looking at it differently. It's come to represent a fresh start; a new beginning. Somehow it's like you've been forgiven for a short series of transgressions and you get to start clean. Does that make sense? It's a big, convoluted metaphor, I suppose. But it works for me!

I looked back through my blog, wanting to check up on any resolutions I'd made for this year but I guess I only made them in my mind - I couldn't find an entry. That's probably due to an old mindset of mine in which I like to whine "I resolve not to make any resolutions" but I could have sworn... But anyway...

I'm sure there was resolve to do something about my health. And I gotta pat myself on the back for that one -- it took almost the whole year to get my ass in gear but almost 30 pounds shed and more-to-come makes me feel a sense of accomplishment I've not known in a long time.

It's likely I made some resolution about relationships. Maybe even to have one. Well, lord knows I did my fair share of dating (badly) in 2009 but I'm ending the year happy and in progress. I'll leave it at that.

My finances are not stellar but they're improved -- I'm centimeters closer to paying off the debt that will continue to plague me for years and years... I saw my best friend TWICE this year (she lives far away - this is a big deal)... I turned 30 this year and I have admit I loved it... I didn't really move up the corporate ladder this year but I stayed employed and am thankful... I feel closer to my parents these days, which is astoundingly nice... My true friends continue to be there for me and thank goodness for that...

2009? You sucked a lot but you weren't without a few highlights.

Let's just make 2010 a little more highlight heavy, kids.

 

The Holiday Spirit Got Me!

I don't mind admitting that for the last few years, I've been a big, fat Scrooge. The holidays have become too convoluted for me - more about stress and presents, less about warmth and peace and loving family... I guess part of that is my own fault. And a big part of it for me is that my financial situation doesn't allow me to celebrate how I'd really like to.

When I saw that the store across the street from my apartment was all decked out in Christmas trees and lights like TWO WEEKS AGO, I threw up in my mouth a little.

But then: A turning point.

This morning, I woke up in a haze. I couldn't get myself moving. I had a few bucks left on an old Starbucks gift card so I figured I'd cheer myself up and pop in on my way to work for an iced tea.

But a DELICIOUS smell grabbed my attention. They were preparing samples of their new holiday coffee, the Caramel Brulee Latte.

Now, I am not a coffee drinker. IN FACT, no joke, I've never ever had hot coffee. I am a big fan of tea and in college, when most of my friends picked up coffee habits to stay up and study, I chugged soda and took the ocassional Vivarin (I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT!). But this scent was too enticing to pass up so I ordered me a cup.

I was immediately reminded of my friend John who loves the holiday season like no other. John gets in the spirit super early, lives and breathes it all Fall and Winter, and often I've looked upon him with bufuddled amazement because I've never been like that.

John celebrated the start of the season with a Gingerbread Latte way back in September and I was cynical.

But now, having enjoyed my new tasty treat, I have to admit to John and everyone else that I am reborn. I FEEL THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT (to be read as though I were a cheesy preacher type)! I am in the BEST mood.

All because of a coffee!

I am converted. For now.

P.S. (Do not tell me how bad this drink is for me. It will ruin my high.)

Fortitude

I realize there has been an extreme lack of posting in this blog. I've tried to compensate with articles and links you might enjoy but I know the substance hasn't been there and for this, dear readers, I apologize most sincerely.

It's just that I don't want to write unless I actually HAVE something to SAY. It's not enough that the blog lays empty-- it would be like cheating us all if I just wrote to take up space.

What's really going on is I'm in a rut. Does this have something to do with my approaching birthday? I doubt it. I've been in ruts AFTER May, for sure. But perhaps knowing I'm about to turn 30 just makes it more poignant.

I can sum it up like this:  This morning, putting on my deodorant, I raised my arm over my head and caught a glimpse of my upper arm at an ESPECIALLY unflattering angle and I thought for a moment, as I raised my other arm to match, that if I flapped hard enough, I might actually get some air between me and the floor... I chuckled to myself and then I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was acting like an asshole and hated myself immediately.

And then I went on getting dressed for work as if this moment hadn't happened. I spent the whole day in a blur, because I've been very tired lately, and never once gave a thought to my fat arms.

This is what I do. Fleeting moments of mental fortitude followed up by fortified periods of denial and bliss.

Which, inevitably, lead to nights like this when I am exhausted and cannot sleep.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Well, inspiration has to strike me sooner or later. I'm sure of it. And by the way, do keep your e-mails and comments coming while I sit on my ass waiting for it because I love them so.