CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Resolve

So after the semi-sad realization that I did not document any of my 2009 resolutions, I wanted to be sure to - at the very least - jot down SOME of my goals for 2010.

With that said...

1. Of course, the diet. I'm down about 30 pounds now with much more to go. This morning, for the very first time, I could see in the mirror that I was, in fact, losing weight. I have to say "so long" to a couple pairs of pants that look pretty ridiculous on me now. It's a good feeling I want to keep on feeling!

2. Eat more fish. Or, actually, cook more. It's healthier and I always, ultimately, enjoy it. I don't know why it's so hard for me to get motivated to cook. But BTW, I love fish lately. Made a lovely piece of snapper for dinner. It's delicious.

3. Bake more (for others). See #2. Times ten.

4. Write something. Not in my blog -- just something else. Maybe something in fiction. Or a short script.

5. Exercise more.

6. Pay off debt. Without struggling to do so.

7. Try some of the restaurants on my "I REALLY wanna try that" list.

8. See more movies.

9. Clean my apartment more often.

10. Read more.

And I'm gonna stop there. I already feel overwhelmed! LOL. I know there are all these jokes about not keeping new year's resolutions... Frankly, I'm not going to keep all of them up. I know it. But I'm aiming for a solid 80%. That would make me happy.

So Long to 2009

I'm stealing Rory's Facebook status:

"Dear 2009 I didn't mean to do this on Facebook but I think it is time
to see other people... Sure we had fun, some laughs along the way,
but I think it is time for us to move on.
I mean, change is hard but it's not you--it's me."

Granted, 2009 was not my worst year ever (2005? I'm looking at you!) but it ranks right up there. This was a tough year and I gotta tell ya - I'm walking away from it with a smile on my face. Partially because I'm still drunk off the emotion of a fabulous night last night and partially because I am optimistic for a better year in 2010.

I know a lot of people don't like to get caught up in new year's. I hear people say "it's just another night" and sometimes, I've been one of those people. But these last couple years, I've taken to looking at it differently. It's come to represent a fresh start; a new beginning. Somehow it's like you've been forgiven for a short series of transgressions and you get to start clean. Does that make sense? It's a big, convoluted metaphor, I suppose. But it works for me!

I looked back through my blog, wanting to check up on any resolutions I'd made for this year but I guess I only made them in my mind - I couldn't find an entry. That's probably due to an old mindset of mine in which I like to whine "I resolve not to make any resolutions" but I could have sworn... But anyway...

I'm sure there was resolve to do something about my health. And I gotta pat myself on the back for that one -- it took almost the whole year to get my ass in gear but almost 30 pounds shed and more-to-come makes me feel a sense of accomplishment I've not known in a long time.

It's likely I made some resolution about relationships. Maybe even to have one. Well, lord knows I did my fair share of dating (badly) in 2009 but I'm ending the year happy and in progress. I'll leave it at that.

My finances are not stellar but they're improved -- I'm centimeters closer to paying off the debt that will continue to plague me for years and years... I saw my best friend TWICE this year (she lives far away - this is a big deal)... I turned 30 this year and I have admit I loved it... I didn't really move up the corporate ladder this year but I stayed employed and am thankful... I feel closer to my parents these days, which is astoundingly nice... My true friends continue to be there for me and thank goodness for that...

2009? You sucked a lot but you weren't without a few highlights.

Let's just make 2010 a little more highlight heavy, kids.

 

The Holiday Spirit Got Me!

I don't mind admitting that for the last few years, I've been a big, fat Scrooge. The holidays have become too convoluted for me - more about stress and presents, less about warmth and peace and loving family... I guess part of that is my own fault. And a big part of it for me is that my financial situation doesn't allow me to celebrate how I'd really like to.

When I saw that the store across the street from my apartment was all decked out in Christmas trees and lights like TWO WEEKS AGO, I threw up in my mouth a little.

But then: A turning point.

This morning, I woke up in a haze. I couldn't get myself moving. I had a few bucks left on an old Starbucks gift card so I figured I'd cheer myself up and pop in on my way to work for an iced tea.

But a DELICIOUS smell grabbed my attention. They were preparing samples of their new holiday coffee, the Caramel Brulee Latte.

Now, I am not a coffee drinker. IN FACT, no joke, I've never ever had hot coffee. I am a big fan of tea and in college, when most of my friends picked up coffee habits to stay up and study, I chugged soda and took the ocassional Vivarin (I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT!). But this scent was too enticing to pass up so I ordered me a cup.

I was immediately reminded of my friend John who loves the holiday season like no other. John gets in the spirit super early, lives and breathes it all Fall and Winter, and often I've looked upon him with bufuddled amazement because I've never been like that.

John celebrated the start of the season with a Gingerbread Latte way back in September and I was cynical.

But now, having enjoyed my new tasty treat, I have to admit to John and everyone else that I am reborn. I FEEL THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT (to be read as though I were a cheesy preacher type)! I am in the BEST mood.

All because of a coffee!

I am converted. For now.

P.S. (Do not tell me how bad this drink is for me. It will ruin my high.)

Fortitude

I realize there has been an extreme lack of posting in this blog. I've tried to compensate with articles and links you might enjoy but I know the substance hasn't been there and for this, dear readers, I apologize most sincerely.

It's just that I don't want to write unless I actually HAVE something to SAY. It's not enough that the blog lays empty-- it would be like cheating us all if I just wrote to take up space.

What's really going on is I'm in a rut. Does this have something to do with my approaching birthday? I doubt it. I've been in ruts AFTER May, for sure. But perhaps knowing I'm about to turn 30 just makes it more poignant.

I can sum it up like this:  This morning, putting on my deodorant, I raised my arm over my head and caught a glimpse of my upper arm at an ESPECIALLY unflattering angle and I thought for a moment, as I raised my other arm to match, that if I flapped hard enough, I might actually get some air between me and the floor... I chuckled to myself and then I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was acting like an asshole and hated myself immediately.

And then I went on getting dressed for work as if this moment hadn't happened. I spent the whole day in a blur, because I've been very tired lately, and never once gave a thought to my fat arms.

This is what I do. Fleeting moments of mental fortitude followed up by fortified periods of denial and bliss.

Which, inevitably, lead to nights like this when I am exhausted and cannot sleep.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Well, inspiration has to strike me sooner or later. I'm sure of it. And by the way, do keep your e-mails and comments coming while I sit on my ass waiting for it because I love them so.

Quickie

My readers are so awesome. :)

Just wanted you all to know I appreciate you. Keep commenting, keep contacting me here or on MySpace or anywhere... I love to hear from you.

Hope everyone survived their Superbowl Sunday without major food damage. I was not as successful as I would have liked. More on that to come soon.

And Then I Stopped to Think

I had a pretty rough day today. It's not every day you get exploited by a popular tabloid (long story), you know.

And I came home, had my Jenny Craig dinner and a glass of red wine and then, all I wanted was ice cream. And not like a scoop or something. We're talking Ben & Jerry's Half Baked PINT of ICE CREAM. We're talking "my day sucked and this will make it all better" ice cream. Come on! Who doesn't love those nights on the couch?

But I was thinking about Jenny Craig. For once. And today, I lost 4 pounds.

One pint of ice cream would be extremely gratifying but not as much as losing 4 pounds again next week, right?

Perhaps I have turned a corner. Hello, corner.

Growth

Every now and then I get an e-mail or MySpace message from a "fan" and I really love that. (I always write back, by the way, so please keep sending me notes.) And every now and then, one of my "fans" is a current friend and even more special, one of my long lost friends who's found me out on MySpace or Facebook, etc.

It always feels good to hear from anyone but I have a warm spot in my heart for long lost friends that I am priveleged to reconnect with. Especially via this blog since it's become so meaningful to me.

And getting more back on topic, something significant happened on Wednesday this week at Jenny Craig. My counselor, "Angela the Angel" as I like to refer to her here, showed me the photo I took at the start of things and finally, I was able to see that I have lost weight! Seriously, the biggest disappointment to me thus far is that I just can't tell. Sure, a couple pairs of pants are big on me, but I just look like my old fat self when I really examine my body.

But in that picture, I saw someone a little more tired and a little more lazy. I saw someone who would have never had the courage to talk about herself as I do here or buy a Halloween costume that stops above the knee.

Oh yeah, it's only 30 pounds (or so) but what a difference it makes!

My current goal, by the way, is just to fit into my sassy black suit from Nordstrom that was my favorite when I was that size. I'm wearing that thing to my H.S. reunion in December, dammit. I even promised to start going back to the gym. And by God, I'm just nuts enough to do it!

Which reminds me, kids, if anyone belongs to the Bally's near me, feel free to come along. If I am doing it as a date, I'm far less likely to cop out.

Which ALSO reminds me to tell you that at lunch today, I ordered something healthy and when I saw the portion upon delivery, I only ate half. Check me out with the self control!

I must return to the professor's lecture now. He has a British accent and I continue to picture him in a Gryffindor robe and glasses. Perhaps you have heard the term "adorkable?"

Gratitude

I've been going over my site statitics and I feel it's important to thank you all.

I don't know what I am doing half the time but that you all continue to care is remarkable and grounding to me. I hear from a lot of you and I hope I hear from more.

Keep the feedback coming, everyone. We're in this together. I really believe that. If you're not struggling with weight issues then maybe you're struggling with something or someone else. And if that's the case, know you're not alone. In anything.

I apologize (just a little) for the overly sentimental post but it's been sort of an emotional month, hasn't it? And I wanted you all to know that your presence out there in cyberland has become quite meaningful to me.

Looking Forward

I'm weighing in today at 3:30 so stay tuned for that. In the meantime, I feel that I am lacking momentum and need to pick up so speed and strength.

And I was trying to think about all the things I cannot do or at least, cannot do well, with this extra weight. There are so many things to look forward to now.

I've discussed the sweat issue. The sleeping issue. The sex issue. I imagine all three will be better when thinner. I'm quite excited.

When I have sex now, I often do this thing where I drape a free arm over my abdomen. I don't know how but I have come to believe this totally hides every ounce of fat on my body. When the arm has to move, I am immediately less secure. Similarly, I always have to have lights off and blankets lay in a certain way. I apologize if this is too much information. If you've slept with me, I do not apologize. Even despite my size, I am still great in the sack. HA.

I look forward to cuter clothes. I don't know who's working for Lane Bryant, Torrid, and the like but we need to be having a sit down. Check out this little number and tell me you think a fat girl should be wearing that. Really? REALLY? Don't even get me started on why this cut is horrible. Boot cut, Cropped, Gaucho. Work on it, people.

I have promised myself an outfit from Anthropologie when this is done. It's my favorite store I can't shop in. When I go to The Grove, I always comb through the home half of the store, careful not to depress myself with cute top after cute dress that I will not fit me. REALLY love this but I won't tarnish it with my body (please don't read this as pitiful. I am writing it with a certain degree of pride).

I look forward to fitting into chairs, into public restroom stalls more comfortably, into nice jewelry. I am looking forward to not being winded after a long walk or tired in a dressing room. I am looking forward to bathing suits and laying out, to cuter undergarments.

I'm feeling so great about myself lately, I can't wait to feel even better. I'm going to be so pleased with myself, I'm going to annoy all of you!