CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Fortitude

I realize there has been an extreme lack of posting in this blog. I've tried to compensate with articles and links you might enjoy but I know the substance hasn't been there and for this, dear readers, I apologize most sincerely.

It's just that I don't want to write unless I actually HAVE something to SAY. It's not enough that the blog lays empty-- it would be like cheating us all if I just wrote to take up space.

What's really going on is I'm in a rut. Does this have something to do with my approaching birthday? I doubt it. I've been in ruts AFTER May, for sure. But perhaps knowing I'm about to turn 30 just makes it more poignant.

I can sum it up like this:  This morning, putting on my deodorant, I raised my arm over my head and caught a glimpse of my upper arm at an ESPECIALLY unflattering angle and I thought for a moment, as I raised my other arm to match, that if I flapped hard enough, I might actually get some air between me and the floor... I chuckled to myself and then I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was acting like an asshole and hated myself immediately.

And then I went on getting dressed for work as if this moment hadn't happened. I spent the whole day in a blur, because I've been very tired lately, and never once gave a thought to my fat arms.

This is what I do. Fleeting moments of mental fortitude followed up by fortified periods of denial and bliss.

Which, inevitably, lead to nights like this when I am exhausted and cannot sleep.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Well, inspiration has to strike me sooner or later. I'm sure of it. And by the way, do keep your e-mails and comments coming while I sit on my ass waiting for it because I love them so.

Quickie

My readers are so awesome. :)

Just wanted you all to know I appreciate you. Keep commenting, keep contacting me here or on MySpace or anywhere... I love to hear from you.

Hope everyone survived their Superbowl Sunday without major food damage. I was not as successful as I would have liked. More on that to come soon.

And Then I Stopped to Think

I had a pretty rough day today. It's not every day you get exploited by a popular tabloid (long story), you know.

And I came home, had my Jenny Craig dinner and a glass of red wine and then, all I wanted was ice cream. And not like a scoop or something. We're talking Ben & Jerry's Half Baked PINT of ICE CREAM. We're talking "my day sucked and this will make it all better" ice cream. Come on! Who doesn't love those nights on the couch?

But I was thinking about Jenny Craig. For once. And today, I lost 4 pounds.

One pint of ice cream would be extremely gratifying but not as much as losing 4 pounds again next week, right?

Perhaps I have turned a corner. Hello, corner.

Growth

Every now and then I get an e-mail or MySpace message from a "fan" and I really love that. (I always write back, by the way, so please keep sending me notes.) And every now and then, one of my "fans" is a current friend and even more special, one of my long lost friends who's found me out on MySpace or Facebook, etc.

It always feels good to hear from anyone but I have a warm spot in my heart for long lost friends that I am priveleged to reconnect with. Especially via this blog since it's become so meaningful to me.

And getting more back on topic, something significant happened on Wednesday this week at Jenny Craig. My counselor, "Angela the Angel" as I like to refer to her here, showed me the photo I took at the start of things and finally, I was able to see that I have lost weight! Seriously, the biggest disappointment to me thus far is that I just can't tell. Sure, a couple pairs of pants are big on me, but I just look like my old fat self when I really examine my body.

But in that picture, I saw someone a little more tired and a little more lazy. I saw someone who would have never had the courage to talk about herself as I do here or buy a Halloween costume that stops above the knee.

Oh yeah, it's only 30 pounds (or so) but what a difference it makes!

My current goal, by the way, is just to fit into my sassy black suit from Nordstrom that was my favorite when I was that size. I'm wearing that thing to my H.S. reunion in December, dammit. I even promised to start going back to the gym. And by God, I'm just nuts enough to do it!

Which reminds me, kids, if anyone belongs to the Bally's near me, feel free to come along. If I am doing it as a date, I'm far less likely to cop out.

Which ALSO reminds me to tell you that at lunch today, I ordered something healthy and when I saw the portion upon delivery, I only ate half. Check me out with the self control!

I must return to the professor's lecture now. He has a British accent and I continue to picture him in a Gryffindor robe and glasses. Perhaps you have heard the term "adorkable?"

Gratitude

I've been going over my site statitics and I feel it's important to thank you all.

I don't know what I am doing half the time but that you all continue to care is remarkable and grounding to me. I hear from a lot of you and I hope I hear from more.

Keep the feedback coming, everyone. We're in this together. I really believe that. If you're not struggling with weight issues then maybe you're struggling with something or someone else. And if that's the case, know you're not alone. In anything.

I apologize (just a little) for the overly sentimental post but it's been sort of an emotional month, hasn't it? And I wanted you all to know that your presence out there in cyberland has become quite meaningful to me.

Looking Forward

I'm weighing in today at 3:30 so stay tuned for that. In the meantime, I feel that I am lacking momentum and need to pick up so speed and strength.

And I was trying to think about all the things I cannot do or at least, cannot do well, with this extra weight. There are so many things to look forward to now.

I've discussed the sweat issue. The sleeping issue. The sex issue. I imagine all three will be better when thinner. I'm quite excited.

When I have sex now, I often do this thing where I drape a free arm over my abdomen. I don't know how but I have come to believe this totally hides every ounce of fat on my body. When the arm has to move, I am immediately less secure. Similarly, I always have to have lights off and blankets lay in a certain way. I apologize if this is too much information. If you've slept with me, I do not apologize. Even despite my size, I am still great in the sack. HA.

I look forward to cuter clothes. I don't know who's working for Lane Bryant, Torrid, and the like but we need to be having a sit down. Check out this little number and tell me you think a fat girl should be wearing that. Really? REALLY? Don't even get me started on why this cut is horrible. Boot cut, Cropped, Gaucho. Work on it, people.

I have promised myself an outfit from Anthropologie when this is done. It's my favorite store I can't shop in. When I go to The Grove, I always comb through the home half of the store, careful not to depress myself with cute top after cute dress that I will not fit me. REALLY love this but I won't tarnish it with my body (please don't read this as pitiful. I am writing it with a certain degree of pride).

I look forward to fitting into chairs, into public restroom stalls more comfortably, into nice jewelry. I am looking forward to not being winded after a long walk or tired in a dressing room. I am looking forward to bathing suits and laying out, to cuter undergarments.

I'm feeling so great about myself lately, I can't wait to feel even better. I'm going to be so pleased with myself, I'm going to annoy all of you!