CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

EPIC FAIL

Well, let's not be too optimistic, kids. Let me just give you an excerpt from some e-mails I exchanged this evening and you'll get the idea:

Me:  ... Trying not to cry. And he kept apologizing and telling me how cool I am-- like that's what I wanna hear from him. R U kidding me? And then the clincher, of course -- can we be friends? I told him I have a lot of friends and was not in the market for more...

... We MOVED TOO FAST? Hello? I hate talking on the phone but he was enjoying it as much as I was and that kind of makes you a little closer when you meet less than 24 hours later. And making out in the back row of the movie? That was ALL HIM, so don't tell me I'm "too physical." What kind of MAN says that anyway?! {sigh}...

Her:  ... guaranteed I will have choice words about this in the a.m. I am so sorry this happened, sweetie. And this fucktard better not cross my angry ass in an alley. For reals... I will drop the hammer on his ass.

Me:  Your shared rage actually warms my heart.  His heart, however, I would like to rip out of his chest and play tennis with...

Her:  Dude I take boxing classes now. Fucker better watch his ass...

ANGER, people. ANGER and annoyance. And a lust for blood.

Here is the good part. I am not blaming myself. I am 100% sure I didn't make a single misstep here. I am positive, for once, it has nothing to do with how I look, what I weigh, what I said or did... This is clearly a big can of crazy I did not want to open.

So good riddance to bad rubbish. And really, thanks to him for the short-lived bout of happiness because no lie, it did feel good there for a while and I needed that.

I Did it

Date? Had.

Oh, I broke out all the tricks, ladies. You know which ones I mean. Showed up a few minutes late (just a few so I don't seem tacky, but just fashionably late) so I can approach from a good angle.Sat up very straight at the table. Or sat with my elbows propped up on the table, both hands folded under my chin so that in addition to looking SO engaged in coversation, I am sort of disguising my chin. Shoving my hands in my pockets like that somehow averts eyes from my hips. Walking right next to him, not at all in front of him- and always letting him go first as if I'm being adorably chivalrous- so that he doesn't see me from behind.

I have this down to a science, you know.

But there were moments of freedom and clarity, moments when I caught myself smiling and enjoying myself, moments when I thought he was sorta cute and even if he's not my usual "type," that clearly has not been working out for me so why can't I like this guy? Just a bit?

It was a very nice dinner (which I only ate half of, by the way) and he's already asked me out for a second date.

{EXHALES}

Is it enough already?

And so it seems I am taking a VERY hesitant step back into the dating world.

Do not hold your applause.

Do hold my hair back whilst I ralph into the john (that's "puke in the toilet" for you less classy kids out there. *snort*)

I won't bore you. I mean, not with the regular tedium of "he's going to take one look at me and run far, far away." I would NEVER do THAT.

I'm just slightly horrified is all and more insecure than ever. I don't know if my heart could handle another rejection.

Of course, if he makes some offhand comment about my size, I will not hesitate to kick him squarely in the junk.

Have a lovely evening.

Botched Self Esteem

Dear guy I went out with on Saturday night,

What's up? Hope your surfing expedition on Sunday morning was a success. I really, really enjoyed hearing ALL about surfing on Saturday night, down to the cost of a good wetsuit, and how you like the drive to San diego and that Exxon station has the best priced gas for the mileage you get on your SUV. That was SUPER interesting to me.

But I digress. Other than saying hello, I just wanted to thank you for the date and give you some helpful feedback. I know the mind reels that you could still be single at age 42 (how has someone not snatched up this gem?) so I think with these helpful pointers, you might find yourself hitched up to Mrs. Right in no time.

The photo is key. I mean, we ALL online date these days so I gotta tell you, sending me a picture from a while back when you still had HAIR may not have been the BEST idea. It was a little shocking to show up and find you are balding. Hey, for the record? I got no issue with the balding man but I do have issues with fakers and liars. Also? 5'10" where I come from is 70 inches. Not 66. I'm a solid 5'7" and when you come up to my eyebrows at a supposed 5'10," you're either standing in a perpetual hole or living in denial (or lying but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt).

Oh! And the dinner.... well, when the waitress says mashed potatoes in liey of french fries cost a $1.25 extra, don't argue. It doesn't look right. And when you ask for extra mayo for your turkey burger, don't ask if it costs money. That's just tacky, honey. And speaking of tacky, making me pay my own way (down to the penny!) when the check came? Not good. Call me old fashioned, but on the first date, I best be eatin' for free, hombre.

I do appreciate you inviting me over to watch Michael Phelps do his final swim. On your HD, $2000 flat screen, that looked stupendous (though why did you tell me what the TV cost on sale?) and that Heinekn beer in a CAN was sho' tasty.

So thanks, Saturday-night-date-guy. It was... educational. I would say at least I got a free meal out of it but we already know that's not true...  I do have to thank you though, because I did learn something about myself. You see, I was so, so nervous about the date and worrying if you would like ME that it never even ocurred to me that I had to like YOU too. I'm still entitled to respect and a bit of class. The size of my hips does not mean I have to lower my standards.

I wish you luck, dude. I hope you find someone. As you seem to be allergic to ALL animals, you r eally should because christ, you're gonna be lonely.

Hugs & kisses!

Well, it makes good copy...

Went on a date tonight. Good for my self esteem? Maybe a little. I mean, he didn't tell me I was fat, which is always a bonus by now.

Pros: Excellent conversation. Knows his movies and has good taste. Dresses.... well, okay. Drives a new car. Not a fancy car but it's not some beat up piece of shit. Paid fo the movie tickets. Held my door open and offered to help me with my coat. Generally nice.

Cons: Was not 5'11" and was actually shorter than I am. Was not a young 41, was actually very much 41. Clearly wanted to kiss me at the end of the night and I might have except, well, I think that despite what HE may think, he's GAY. AND, I paid for dinner. Booo.

On the other hand - I got to see a good movie. Of course, it was the epic romantic... THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

{sigh}

Hey Old Friend

Went to dinner with a couple friends tonight and ran into an ex. And by "ex" I mean we really just casually dated.

And, well, by "casually dated," I mean we slept together a couple times.

So to be polite, and knowing I'd see him anyway in a couple weeks at my high school reunion, I went up to him to say hello. I'm such a cordial person, you know. And it was slightly awkward and thank God for my friends coming up and saving me in my foolish quest, but I just kept thinking two things:

"Shit, this guy's seen me naked."

"Shit, I was not this fat last time he saw me."

There I go again, getting all up in my head and my ridiculous thoughts and making myself crazy.

I then proceeded to gorge myself on sushi. I have not had sushi in MONTHS and I've missed it so. I drank lots of water and tea, hoping to counteract the sodium , and I peed 84 timed tonight after I got home.

I'm exaggeratging, of course. It was really just like 83 times.

Of course, if not for my damaged  blatter, I'd be up all night anyway. Damned green tea - I'm wired.

I am secure in the knowledge that tomorrow I will eat healthy. When I spend the day with my family, I am left no other choice since they all watch what I eat as if they were putting it in their own mouths.

Totally Naked

On Saturday night, a minor triumph. The bouncer at the bar I was at hit on me. At least, I think he did. We talked a lot, that's for sure, and he gave me his e-mail address, saying how he's love for me to show him around USC's campus. He just moved here and likes to see the sights around here. Was it a line or bullshit or what? No idea. But he's adorable and I will not be sad to be seen in public with him!

It's hard when you're heavy to believe that a guy could like you. I know they're out there, those rare guys who do not care about such things, but still. I mean, let's face it- this is a very shallow world we live in. It may be unfair to judge someone based on how they look but we all do it in one way or another, on purpose or not.

So he and I have been e-mailing, anyway, and it's kept me amused during a very rough week. I am preoccupied with financial problems and I am worried about eating my way through my mom and dad's house on Thanksgiving. Stress. Sucks.

I know most of my readers are strangers to me in "real life" and I know a handful of you are people I know personally. And it ocurred to me that the guy I had a crush on not too long ago is reading this and a couple ex-boyfriends of mine... well, it all makes me feel a little (or a LOT) naked. I can't hide in this world where I have to admit I am fat and have health problems, where I have major insecurities and depression and struggles. But I guess that's the point of it all. I started this blog as a selfish act, to have an outlet for myself but was excited when friends seemed interested. I was AMAZED and flattered when strangers reached out to me and continue to love "meeting" you all through MySpace and e-mail.

Keep it coming, kids.

Have a great day!

Something Different

Here's something interesting...

You see, it never even ocurred to me that I would not like him.

I guess I was so concerned with how he'd see me, that I forgot he has to impress me too! Is this a symptom of being fat? Being lonely?

Ladies (and gentlemen), don't settle. Embrace who you are and don't forget to leave room for others to embrace you, too.

Date Night

I'm quite nervous.

Oh, the wonderful world of internet dating. Show someone your picture and they still manage to be shocked and amazed when you show up and you're not a size 6.

In the past six months, I have had 3 -yes, THREE - men shoot me down due to my size. You think you want the truth? Trust me, it would have been better if they'd lied. One more asshat like that and I'm afraid I'll have to shut my heart down for business.

The first one was a shock. Did people really say such hurtful things? The second was just hurtful and cruel. The third one was selfish, immature, and devestating. How could he say it was not about how I looked when he started the e-mail with "So I was looking at your pictures...."

Tonight, I try again. I am so nervous about it, I actually have no been able to eat much today.

Hey, perhaps I should date more! Seems to be an excellent appetite suppressant.

I'll keep you posted.