CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Well, it makes good copy...

Went on a date tonight. Good for my self esteem? Maybe a little. I mean, he didn't tell me I was fat, which is always a bonus by now.

Pros: Excellent conversation. Knows his movies and has good taste. Dresses.... well, okay. Drives a new car. Not a fancy car but it's not some beat up piece of shit. Paid fo the movie tickets. Held my door open and offered to help me with my coat. Generally nice.

Cons: Was not 5'11" and was actually shorter than I am. Was not a young 41, was actually very much 41. Clearly wanted to kiss me at the end of the night and I might have except, well, I think that despite what HE may think, he's GAY. AND, I paid for dinner. Booo.

On the other hand - I got to see a good movie. Of course, it was the epic romantic... THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

{sigh}

Hey Old Friend

Went to dinner with a couple friends tonight and ran into an ex. And by "ex" I mean we really just casually dated.

And, well, by "casually dated," I mean we slept together a couple times.

So to be polite, and knowing I'd see him anyway in a couple weeks at my high school reunion, I went up to him to say hello. I'm such a cordial person, you know. And it was slightly awkward and thank God for my friends coming up and saving me in my foolish quest, but I just kept thinking two things:

"Shit, this guy's seen me naked."

"Shit, I was not this fat last time he saw me."

There I go again, getting all up in my head and my ridiculous thoughts and making myself crazy.

I then proceeded to gorge myself on sushi. I have not had sushi in MONTHS and I've missed it so. I drank lots of water and tea, hoping to counteract the sodium , and I peed 84 timed tonight after I got home.

I'm exaggeratging, of course. It was really just like 83 times.

Of course, if not for my damaged  blatter, I'd be up all night anyway. Damned green tea - I'm wired.

I am secure in the knowledge that tomorrow I will eat healthy. When I spend the day with my family, I am left no other choice since they all watch what I eat as if they were putting it in their own mouths.

Totally Naked

On Saturday night, a minor triumph. The bouncer at the bar I was at hit on me. At least, I think he did. We talked a lot, that's for sure, and he gave me his e-mail address, saying how he's love for me to show him around USC's campus. He just moved here and likes to see the sights around here. Was it a line or bullshit or what? No idea. But he's adorable and I will not be sad to be seen in public with him!

It's hard when you're heavy to believe that a guy could like you. I know they're out there, those rare guys who do not care about such things, but still. I mean, let's face it- this is a very shallow world we live in. It may be unfair to judge someone based on how they look but we all do it in one way or another, on purpose or not.

So he and I have been e-mailing, anyway, and it's kept me amused during a very rough week. I am preoccupied with financial problems and I am worried about eating my way through my mom and dad's house on Thanksgiving. Stress. Sucks.

I know most of my readers are strangers to me in "real life" and I know a handful of you are people I know personally. And it ocurred to me that the guy I had a crush on not too long ago is reading this and a couple ex-boyfriends of mine... well, it all makes me feel a little (or a LOT) naked. I can't hide in this world where I have to admit I am fat and have health problems, where I have major insecurities and depression and struggles. But I guess that's the point of it all. I started this blog as a selfish act, to have an outlet for myself but was excited when friends seemed interested. I was AMAZED and flattered when strangers reached out to me and continue to love "meeting" you all through MySpace and e-mail.

Keep it coming, kids.

Have a great day!

Something Different

Here's something interesting...

You see, it never even ocurred to me that I would not like him.

I guess I was so concerned with how he'd see me, that I forgot he has to impress me too! Is this a symptom of being fat? Being lonely?

Ladies (and gentlemen), don't settle. Embrace who you are and don't forget to leave room for others to embrace you, too.

Date Night

I'm quite nervous.

Oh, the wonderful world of internet dating. Show someone your picture and they still manage to be shocked and amazed when you show up and you're not a size 6.

In the past six months, I have had 3 -yes, THREE - men shoot me down due to my size. You think you want the truth? Trust me, it would have been better if they'd lied. One more asshat like that and I'm afraid I'll have to shut my heart down for business.

The first one was a shock. Did people really say such hurtful things? The second was just hurtful and cruel. The third one was selfish, immature, and devestating. How could he say it was not about how I looked when he started the e-mail with "So I was looking at your pictures...."

Tonight, I try again. I am so nervous about it, I actually have no been able to eat much today.

Hey, perhaps I should date more! Seems to be an excellent appetite suppressant.

I'll keep you posted.