CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

I'm a Real Girl!

Oh look,I DO exist!

For starters, to the few people who like to e-mail me from time to time, reminding me I haven't posted, I remind you ths is not a job for me, just a labor of love. When you want to start paying me, then we can talk

I've not written for a number of reasons. To begin with, I don't have too much to say that's news to you.

Meaning? My weight has been fluctuating around these annoying five pounds. I had my annual physical yesterday and my health is miraculously great. I have my usual problems- the bad ankle, the exhaustion, the stress - but are these are weight related? No way to know. My job is in tact... they laid off some people in my department and I am astoundingly busy, but so be it. I am employed and try to stay happy about that. I am still single and still lonely. I have been on a couple dates, but clearly noting blog-worthy and so... I'm quiet.

I'll come up with material- I promise. I know I've broken promises to consistently blog more in the past, so you're just gonna have to bear with me, kids.

Hope you are all enjoying the start of Summer. Here in LA it's all June gloom. Everyone seems annoyed by the lack of heat and sun but I'm good with weather like this for a while.

Renewal

Last week, I was lucky that a friend was brave enough to be honest with me. And she told me she was worried about me and my health. She knows me well and it had probably ocurred to her that I might not respond well to such comments but she said it anyway, for which I thank her. It actually got me thinking. It sort of opened my eyes.

It's really hard for me, actually, to see myself as overweight. Even though I've been so almost all of my life, I look in the mirror and really, I just see ME. I just see this image I am used to. Even when I am naked in front of a mirror, I catch myself thinking "well, you look totally different in clothes so who cares..s" but the truth is, I need to do something before I reach that point where I can't do anything... because I sense that point is coming.

And so I made a walking-date with a co-worker for one night this week. And I walked to lunch one day last week. I went to Trader Joe's this weekend and bought a ton of fruit and healthy snacks I can keep at my office. I bought granola to have for breakfast instead of a coffee-like concoction and a mid-morning snack. I went to the market and bought an artichoke since I know I like those and could easily learn to make one myself. My brother actually e-mailed me how he does it in the microwave so that will be cake.

Yesterday, I baked a cake for my co-worker's birthday  and after, when I was craving something sweet, I had grapes instead of cake or cookies. That was a small triumph. And especially on a Sunday night which is when I tend to eat the worst for some reason.

I also tackled a couple projects in the house. I did a huge load of laundry, reorganized some books, put away some stuff that's been sitting out too long and I put the massive collection of shoes on my bedroom floor away while also getting rid of pairs I never wear anymore and rediscovering pairs I forgot I owned. It was better than buying new at Nordstrom! It made me feel accomplished and gratified and like somehow I could now do anything I wanted (oh sure, it's just shoes but you have no idea what my bedroom looked like BEFORE I undertook this project). Thankfully, my roommate was out of town or else he would have had to see me strutting up and down the hall way in my pajamas and various pairs of dress shoes. On the outside, AJ the lunatic - in my head: Giselle.

So if anyone is feeling overwhelmed, I would suggest tackling a small project. And then another one. And let the feeling of pride and accomplishment from that propel you toward something a little bigger. And so on. Baby steps are okay. Baby steps lead to grown up steps, I swear.

One more thing I would highly recommend? Trust your best friends. And be wise enough to know when they are being supportive so you don't bite their heads off.

A Response

In response to the 11/23 "Fat Kids" entry, Monica writes:

There was a McDonalds one block away from my high school, and a Taco Bell not too much farther. At my middle school, the ice cream man would park himself right in front of the school once class let out.

I doubt many of my classmates needed a parent's transportation to procure unhealthy food on a daily basis. Especially with the crap they sold at the schools themselves.

In my opinion, the advertising is not the biggest issue here--the availability of bad food and the lack of sufficient health/nutritional education is the real culprit (from the parents and the school). Because, in reality, the parents aren't the ones decision makers, the kids are. When faced with the dorky school lunch, or the cool-kids'-a-la-carte menu items, kids are free to make their own fatty choices. I would venture to say that most parents are unaware that their kids are spending their "lunch money" on pizza and curly fries.

In most schools, or public schools at the very least, there are almost NO healthy options when it comes to the food schools provide. Probably the only way to ensure a healthy diet would be to bring your lunch everyday--and who wants to do that? Who has the time? For me, a kid who went to a public school that had no lockers, and had to carry my huge college-sized textbooks around with me everyday, carrying an adequate lunch was not an option.

Yes, the parents should be responsible, but there's only so much they can do (and should do--I mean forcing a bag lunch onto a high school kid is just asking for therapy later on). The schools need to act responsibly too, but it's especially hard in these times of enormous budget cuts in education. I know money's tight, but isn't the health of our nation important too?

I just thought it was so well-written, I had to share. Thanks, Monica!

I'm Tagged!

Well, thanks to Michelle (http://emzeegee.blogspot.com) for tagging me. As I have clearly been running low on blog-like inspiration, I am not at all opposed to requests and tags...

Your Time Starts Now...

My earliest memory is... I don't know if I remember this as much as I've just heard the story so many times I just think I do but as I know it, when my mother had just had my little brother and my father was looking for some way to give me a little attention and distract me, he took me to see Annie in the movie theater. I'd already owned the record and was a big fan. When the song "Tomorrow" came on, I slipped out of my seat (my father was not really paying attention to ANNIE) and dashed up to the fron of the theater. Flailing my arms out and striking my dramatic pose, I proceeded to sing EVERY SINGLE WORD along with the movie.

At school I... probably could have tried harder and done better but my educational record has turned out just fine anyway.

My first relationship was... with Scott Phillips- I was 14, he was 17- whom I dated for precisely three weeks until he cheated on me with Debbie. That ass.

I don't like talking about... money.

My mother and father always told me... to do what makes me happy.

I wish I had... invented the Snuggie.

I wish I hadn't... felt like I needed to please others so much.

My most humiliating moment was... performing in "Fiddler on the Roof" in high school, leaping onto the bed for a scene after a VERY quick change, totally unaware that our house manager had put a whoopie cushion under the mattress (I am still friends with this guy and he loves to tease me about it to this day).

My happiest moments were... Well, one I can particularly remembers with emotional recall is a trip back to New York. After I landed and got my bags, I took a cab to my best friend's apartment on 65th and 1st. She was waiting for me when I got off the elevator on her floor. I cried with happiness to see her after so long. It's like that every time we reunite. LOL.

At home I cook... rarely.

My last meal would be... Italian food or sushi.

I'm very bad at... saying "no." Also, standing up for myself.

When I was a child I wanted to be... a basketball player. Preferably with the Lakers. Preferably beside Byron Scott.

The book that changed my life is... "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee.

It's not fashionable, but I love... this ratty old Lakers nightshirt I've had since age 10. It was so oversized on me then that it remaind oversized on me now except with a few holes in it. I refuse to throw it away.

The song I'd like played at my funeral is... NOT "Amanda" by Boston or "Mandy" by Barry Manilow.

Friends say I am... God, I have no idea. I'd really rather not know.

My greatest fear is... failure.

If only I could... figure shit out.

The hardest thing I've ever done was... white-water rafted. And well worth it-- one of the best days of my life. No shit.

The last big belly laugh I had was... Thanksgiving. My cousin made a particularly inappropriate remark in front of the whole family.

What I don't find amusing is... ignorance.

I'm always being asked... "Do you have the UTA Job List?"

Cat or dog... I happen to love cats, despite my allergies, but I very much want a dog.

If I wasn't me I'd like to be... a thinner, richer version.

At the moment I'm reading... About to start "Eclipse" but also want to read "Marley & Me" and "Prep."

My favourite work of art is... "Mulberry Tree" by Vincent Van Gogh OR "Flat Iron Building" by Samuel Halpert

My worst job was... Working at a local dry cleaners for about 4 months. I sought the job cause a couple friends worked there and I thought it would be fun but it was pretty much the ANTI fun.

I often wonder... when IT will happen (and what IT is).

And I'm tagging the following...

GlamKatte

Online Dating Girl

Happy Turkey-Day

Admittedly, my sense of humor is a little whacky.

Wishing you all a better Thanksgiving than that one.

*HUGS*

Quote of the Month

From my clever friend, Meg:

"Last night I had INTENSE sugar cravings... so I put on my bikini. That scared me away from eating..."

Don't laugh. You know it would work for you too!

Yes, this IS healthy...

First of all, you guys, my regular readers, all sort of get my sense of humor at this point, right?

I mean, I'm not a friggin' doctor and I'm certainly not any kind of expert but if someone asks for my opinion, I'm happy to give it. And to those of you who write often, or even those who just write once in a while to not at all (!), I appreciate you.

So I was upset and then guilt-ridden when I got this comment:

I hate to break it to you but this is not a health blog. A friend of mine suggested looking at your page and I read it and thought it was sweet and funny, until I realized you stopped talking about your weight loss. I looked at all the pictures you have linked to this page and it seems you haven't lost weight. Unless I missed it, you don't have any medical training and this is mostly just a blog where you complain about being fat and now apparently get free stuff from companies for talking about them. I can't take tips or suggest someone takes tips from a person who has no training and no experience in an area. If you wanna complain about being fat, go ahead, but don't say it's a health blog, that's just offensive to people who have lost weight and changed their lives.

Well, I think she kind of missed the point and by the way, OUCH, man. Big thanks for making sure to point out my pictures make me look fat.

I was debating all day if I should post this or not. But I realized that I wanted to explain to EVERYONE, not just her... so there was what she said (which was a comment on my blog so anyone could have seen it) and here was my response earlier today"

Let me just say I'm sorry my sense of humor does not appeal to you and assure you that in no way have I EVER proclaimed to be a health expert. Just a regular person that (hopefully) people can relate to. I've never offered a tip that was not submitted to me by a reader, a doctor or something with some cred. And I have openly admitted, more than once, that this blog was something i started for purely selfish reasons and that I find it silly that people wanna send me stuff -- but if people relate to me, and I make someone laugh or know they are not alone, then I am happy with that. And if TWO (yes, just two) companies wanna send me free stuff? Why should I say no? They know who I am and what opinion they are getting.

Is my blog about health? No. Not in the traditional sense. But a healthy mind? A healthy perspective? A healthy sense of humor? Yes. Making myself feel better and making other people laugh and know they are not the only ones going through stuff like this? I think that's healthy.

And as I work in TV and hear complaints about programming all day long, I offer you what I often offer viewers: if you don't like it? Change the channel.

Best,

AJ

Vote for me! Boost my self esteem!

Okay, okay- I am soliciting for favors. Totally not my style but out of nowhere, I find myself wanting this god damned (though admiteddly silly) award! 

Time is running out!
Blogger's Choice Awards voting will end soon. 

October 1st kicks-off the two-week countdown 'til voting closes at BloggersChoiceAwards.com. I am nominated for "Best Health Blog." I think originally I also submitted for "Best Humor" but ultimately decided the category I felt closest to was health.

So if you have a few moments, just use the link below or the one on my left-hand menu column and pretty please, VOTE FOR ME! And tell a friend.

I'm a step close, kids... May all my high school dreams of being an award-winning writer come true...

http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/25368

Nimrod

It hasn't been a secret from my close friends that lately, I've been going througha bit of a rough patch.

Is it the depression I've battled since I was 18? I don't know... it's easy to blame such things on a medical diagnosis but maybe I am just stressed out and it's normal. I can't really seperate the two because, frankly, I'll never be able to. I mean, I guess I will always feel saddness more deeply than a normal person because I have a clinical problem. And I should clarify-- I'm not bipolar or anything. My diagnosis has always been "clinical depression." Swell.

But I take meds and most of the time, I'm fine.

So my roommate told me he was moving out and there was a rush to find a replacement. All the while, I was fearful that I would not find anyone and would end up back at my mom and dad's house. You can imagine my enthusiasm at that prospect. My grandfather's health (he has alzheimers) is now rapidly deteriorating and I'm not coping well. My close friends have been pretty great but there are always exceptions there and it's not helpful that I basically spend my nights alone, on the couch. My financial situation has not been great for a long time now but has been especially dire in recent weeks and I'm constantly freaking out and dealing with collections people as well as the bank, who hates how often I've been overdrawn lately (and they can suck it cause I always pay my penalty fees). My weight loss has pretty much stopped and my only solace in that situation, of course, has been EATING - clearly I am a genius.

My breaking point, I'm almost ashamed to admit, was a guy thing. A guy I liked, then wasn't sure I liked, then REALLY liked and then hurt me. This is what happens to me, by the way- I hesitate to let anyone in, then let them in, then get hurt. How I am not a nun yet is beyond me. I am just so sick of disappearing men. 

Anyway... my roommate moved out on Friday and took his puppy with him which was so, so sad. But the new roommate has moved in with HIS puppy and he is a dream. He's adorable and sweet and has such a great demeanor. I'm really excited about that.... On Saturday night, I went to a great party for a great girl and enjoyed that. I threw the "after party" and had a great time with a small group of friends... And today I spent a reather pleasant morning hanging out with the new roommate and a surprisingly pleasant afternoon with my parents, brother and grandfather.

Last night, by the way, I danced in four-inch heels. Oh yeah, I'm a bad-ass. LOL.

So that brings you all up-to-date on what's going on with me. Some day soon, I assure you I will get back to the witty and profound blog I started out with but for now, I'll be a little bit of an emotional, blubbering nimrod.

I'm totally bringing back the word "nimrod," by the way.

Great Minds...

-Anonymous

Quote co. of blog reader Mel