CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

From HBO: The Weight of the Nation

 

OMG, Steven Tyler is quoting the Cowardly Lion... What?!

You know, that whole "what have they got that I ain't got?! Courage." speech. 

What they really need is to not forget the words. And stop asking to sing ONE MORE TIME! "Just once more little note? Please? Pretty please?"

I wonder sometimes if these folks get to watch the show back and if they are mortified. 

But probably not. 

Not to J.Lo. - It's cute when you lip sync with the contestants auditions but not so much when you clearly don't know the words and keep going...

 

I promise a blog entry with some actual depth in the near future but the truth is, I'm just too tired and out of ideas right now. Apologies. 

They're on a Boat....

Could someone please tell me why they had American Idol auditions on a boat?

You see, the football cut into my tivo'd Idol episode. I think I missed some pivotal moments. 

I did not, however, miss this epic fail from Steven Tyler:

 

Dear lord. 

Nor did I miss Jim Carrey's daughter auditioning:

 

You have to laugh. In one breath she's saying how hard it is to find her identity; to step out from behind her father's overwhelming shadow. And in the next moment, she's calling him on camera to say she's going to Hollywood after a so-so audition. 

 

When Does Ryan Seacrest Sleep? Maybe During the Bad @AmericanIdol Auditions?...

Per various news sources, Ryan Seacrest's media conglomerate is teaming up with AEG (Anschutz Entertainment Group) and Mark Cuban to rebrand Cuban's HDNet as AXS TV (pronounced "Access"). 

Ryan Seacrest: E! host, reality TV producer, morning radio host, top 40 radio host, American Idol host...

It is a daily struggle for me. I wanna like the guy. But the Kardashians are kind of his fault. 

But you can bet your sweet arse I was tuned into the premiere of "American Idol" last night. I love me some bad, bad auditions. 

But where the eff were they?! How am I supposed to feel better about myself at the cost of others' humility if not for the epic audition fails? (It's called schadenfreude, people. Live it.) 

I did like the new spin at the top; the "where were you when" montage. I cannot believe Idol is 11 years old! Kelly Clarkson is approaching 30! I mean, this isn't the Kennedy assassination - I have no idea where I was when Kelly Clarkson won, but I know I watched it. I remember my inexplicable fascination with Justin Guarini's hair (but not his voice - I thought he was overrated)... 

So last night's other highlights for me included the very first auditioner - a fantastic singer, age 17, who looked about age 12, and sang like a young Michael Jackson. First audition, first through to Hollywood. 

Seriously, I cannot believe he is 17. I want a birth certificate. 

The poor, unfortunate student who came from Africa to audition in Savannah. And sang like William Hung. Henceforth, he shall be known as Afro-Hung. 

I was going to spare you a clip but I just couldn't resist. You may post all of your gratitude below in the comments section. You're welcome in advance.

Ashlee Altise, who walked in looking pretty ghetto, down to her mismatched open-toe ankle boots (I'm sure it was intentional but she looked ridiculous). She was one of those stories where you knew they'd build it all up and then she's sing like crap... Except she was good! You just know she's gonna end up in the top 20 so I'll have to keep judging her ghetto fashion choices. 

Dear lord, I hope they do something with her hair.

Seemed like everyone was the MOST over the moon over the final audition of the episode, Phillip Phillips (yes, real name) but I didn't get it. I thought he was good and sort of adorable, but I didn't feel the same exuberance my twitter feed was busting with. Maybe it will come to me later...? 

 

THIS.  {{prolonged awkward pause}}  Is American Idol. 

Leave George Lopez Alone

Goerge Lopez is a funny guy. Admittedly, he's not my favorite stand-up comedian and I don't even consider his talk-show "appointment television." But I attach a certain "Ski Patrol" nostalgia to him and I appreciate his self-deprecating humor.

And when I have watched his show, I do enjoy it. He has a solid writing team, a fun set and a pretty laid-back, non-traditional late-night vibe there. He's got a solid lead-in with Conan so I'm sure he'll last a while despite being on TBS (who, actually, has devleloped a pretty strong presence in cable's original series world).

But enough jargony bull-shit. Let's get to what everyone has their panties all in a bunch over:

So George has, essentially, compared Kirstie Alley to a pig.

In response, via Twitter, here's what Kirstie has to offer: Don't worry about George's comments...just remember what happens to the big bad, drunk woolf...falls in a boiling pot of vodka. Piggy laughs.

George, in kind, responded: I misjudged the joke. No malice was intended and I apologize to Kirstie.

And then, from Kirstie: I don't need or want ur apology...I want your kidney dude..on behalf of ur X and all the women uv insulted...give it back

And finally, again from Kirstie: take life as lightly as u can and then move on ...even u George ....u are forgiven.....:)....

Well, look, of COURSE no malic was intended. When George makes fun of ANYONE, no malice is intended. He's a comedian, people. This is what they do. Lisa Lampanelli, one of the most successful stand-ups in history has basically made a CAREER out of mocking her own weight. Not to mention blacks, hispanics, gays, etc. This is what they do.

If Kirstie did not want so much attention called to her weight, she might have thought twice about going on Oprah in a bikini, or starring in a show called "Fat Actress." OR, creating a reality show called "BIG LIFE."

I want to be clear. I am not condoning making fun of someone for being fat. But let's be real. She's a celebrity and she's put herself out there. She's opened herself up to ridicule. And she had to know, going on Dancing With the Stars, that she would be judged for not only her moves, but her size.

You wanna REALLY stick it to George Lopez, Kirstie? Shutup. Shutup, work your ass off, let Tony Dovolani whip you into shape and be the best fucking dancer on the show. Take home that mirror ball trophy and knock 'em out in some svelt, sparkly dress and I promise you, the only joke George will be making then will be about Ralph Macchio crane-kicking the door on his way home.

I want to go on record as saying to you, George: I am fat. And I laughed. When that "Weeeee!" piggy came on the screen (I love that commercial), I laughed and laughed. Just like I laugh at Lisa Lampanelli's Jew jokes and Stephen Colbert's political satire... Because I am only human. Funny is funny. Own it. This is what you do.

Calm down, people. Seriously, go talk about Japan. Lord knows that's not getting enough media attention. (Please text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to the relief efforts.)

I am an EXCELLENT liar... BUT WAIT!

BUT WAIT! It's true - I am an excellent liar. 

Yet there remains one person I cannot lie to: MYSELF. (Who saw that coming? I know you did because we all know how predictable I am by now, don't we?)

Oh, also, I cannot lie to my best friend. Mostly because I have no reason to. Her opinion of me is pretty rock solid and I'm pretty sold on that. I don't worry about lying to her. 

Point being, I've tried to tell myself some whoppers lately. And it ain't working. 

For example, I have to finally admit to myself, and to all of you nice people, that I think "Glee" is a pretty lousy show.... and at the same time, I'm totally gonna keep watching it. The writing is totally mediocre, not to mention void of any semblance of reality (yes, it's television but it's still gotta be based in some reality for me). Too many of the characters have become unlikeable (Am I still supposed to like Rachel? Really?) and it's come to my attention that the best singers and dancers aren't even the stars of the show (read: MORE BRITTANY AND SANTANA, PLEASE). There is way too much stunt casting and the plots are now becoming far too contrived just so they will cooperate with the songs the writers wanna use that week. 

Gwyneth Paltrow is gonna be on the show? Bruce Springsteen wants in? Liza? ... Ok, wait, I'd like to see Liza. I'll give you that one, Ryan Murphy. 

Way too much analysis there? Don't worry. I'm a Broadway Baby and I still plan to Tivo that show every week just to enjoy the musical numbers. (But let's stay away from rapping, kiddies. It's not a strength.)

Oh, I also hope to see Mark Salling without his shirt on. Please and thanks. 

Indifferent at first, and then I came around.... for Mike & Molly

I wasn't going to even tune in for CBS' new sitcome "Mike & Molly" because, frankly, it didn't even look funny to me. Even though it had Chuck Lorre attached, and knowing I'd probably relate to the subject matter.... Nope, no interest.

But a couple friends asked if I planned to watch it and I started to think I should if, for no other reason, than to blog about it.

Hence, here we all are.

So here's the thing. The humor in the show is cheesy and rife with fat jokes that I find teeter between actually clever and actually offensive. The main guy's partner (main guy is a member of the Chicago PD, despite being 400 pounds), is a quirky, outspoken black guy and so whatever stereotype the fat people aren't taking on, he is. Not to mention Molly's clearly-Jersey-Shore-esque (and so why is she in Chicago?) sister and functioning alcoholic mother.... I guess my point is, the show is oozing stereotypes.

The first episode. We met all the characters and our two heroes, Mike and Molly, who are just trying to lead normal lives despite being quite heavy, meet at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. And here is what ocurred to me:  If they met at O.A., it is easy to infer they are both characters wanting to lose weight. So what do you do? Force the actors to go on a diet? And then when they get to healthy, where does that leave your core plot? But what do you do as an alternative? Keep them fat? Is that a little weird? ... I put way too much thought into this and decided the first episode annoyed me and I wouldn't watch it again.

But last night, episode two was starting just as I got home and I just sat down and gave it a watch.  Again, it was plump (pun intended) with fat jokes and drunk jokes.  I was having a rather self-righteous conversation in my head along the lines of "why she gotta date the fat, dumb guy? Why can't a big girl date a hot guy?" But I quickly scolded myself for that. And then this moment came:

 

The backstory, by the way, is that following a disastrous first date and despite it, thw two found each other endearing at the end of the night. And I was so touched by the sweetness of this moment that it was even enough to sway me to select a season pass for "Mike & Molly" on my Tivo.

Damn you, Chuck Lorre and CBS for honing in on my gushy romantic side.

And I realized that ultimately, the show is just about two struggling people, played by the dopey-but-adorable Billy Gardell and the totally loveable Melissa McCarthy (Sookie from Gilmore Girls! You know you love 'er!), who meet and fall in love and have totally normal lives just like you, me and the skinny girl over there.... Because fat people are normal, too.

Point made. Round one goes to you, "Mike & Molly."

Plus Sized Television

Plus-sized shows dominate fall TV schedule
Six new plus-sized shows follow 'Biggest Loser' on the air

By Allison Hope Weiner

Sept 16, 2010, 08:00 AM ET

Forget about all those scary-skinny stars -- fat is making a comeback in Hollywood. Like ABC's "The Bachelor," which spawned a spate of reality dating shows, NBC's "The Biggest Loser" has hatched a ton of weight-loss look-alikes. There's "Celebrity Fit Club" on VH1, "Too Fat for Fifteen: Fighting Back" on Style, "Obese" and "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" on ABC and "Thintervention" on Bravo. All feature contestants sweating, whining, quitting and reflecting.

And in a nod to "The Honeymooners," "Roseanne" and more recently "The King of Queens," the new TV season brings us "Mike & Molly," a Chuck Lorre sitcom on CBS that features plus-size stars Melissa McCarthy and Billy Gardell as regular (read overweight) people who meet at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

"Nobody cannibalizes better than Hollywood," said J.D. Roth, co-creator of "Biggest Loser" who also produces "Obese" and is prepping "What's Eating You" for E! "As soon as something is working, there has to be 40 of them immediately. More is better."

"Thintervention," a recent entry into the weight-loss sweepstakes, garnered a respectable 1.2 million viewers in its premiere Monday. The show stars Jackie Warner, the high-powered fitness trainer from another Bravo show, "Workout." Like "Biggest Loser," "Thintervention" follows real folks who work out with Warner and attempt to lose 25-100 pounds.

"I think all these weight-loss shows are great," Warner said. "I love [Oxygen's] 'Dance Your A** Off.' Those people have such joy in what they're doing. I think America has to have the information. I can't believe how confused America is about weight loss."

Dave Ehlers, managing director of branded-entertainment outfit ZenithOptimedia, said all the weight-loss shows provide "excellent vehicles" for advertisers targeting individuals who seek a healthier lifestyle.

Roth said "Biggest Loser" proved a hard sell at first.

"I had people say that fat people aren't attractive and that nobody wants to see fat people on television," he said. "I said, 'Well, do you know anyone who is fat?' 'Oh yeah,' they said, 'my mother is, my sister and brother is.' So, I told them that if everyone in this room knows someone who's in that situation, isn't that your audience?"

Roth knew what he was talking about. The National Center for Disease Control reports that 17% of kids and 34% of adults in the U.S. are overweight.

Despite the glut of similar fare, the popularity of "Biggest Loser" hasn't waned, and the show holds up when facing such ratings juggernauts as "American Idol" and "So You Think You Can Dance." The eighth cycle premiered with 10.4 million viewers, its best performance to date.

"I do think that more and more people are focusing on weight as an issue and walls are being torn down; ratings have something to do with it," said Chad Bennett, vp brand development and production for "Biggest Loser" producer Reveille.

"Too Fat for Fifteen," which focuses on overweight teenagers, has attracted an average of 215,000 viewers, 50% more than Style's primetime average. The show stems from a documentary the cable network ran last year about Georgia Davis, dubbed "Britain's fattest teenager," and her attempt to shed serious pounds at Wellspring Academy in North Carolina.

"The way we tell these stories about real kids who have these weight issues is realistic. You're not going to see an immediate result," said Katie Buchanan, vp programming at Style. "The viewers can relate to the length of the journey and the highs and lows. Our network is all about transformation."

McCarthy, who spent 10 years on "Gilmore Girls," said she signed on for "Mike & Molly" because she was intrigued by the script's humor and its realism.

"It flips it back to the shows I grew up with like 'All in the Family' and 'Barney Miller' that all had people that looked like you," she said. "Everything wasn't so bionic. I liked this script because it allowed you to lose yourself in that world, because it was so real. Everybody didn't have a brand-new coat everyday or talk about having no money and walk in with a brand-new Mark Jacobs bag."

Mark Roberts, who executive produces "Mike & Molly" with Lorre, said the show is not necessarily about two overweight people -- it's about an ordinary couple who fall in love and the obstacles they confront each day.

"I wanted to do something with real people," he said. "People in most sitcoms live very unrealistic lives. Back in the days of Norman Lear, you had real people on television. We're hoping that real people with real issues are going to come back in style."

Despite the plethora of these shows, make no mistake: In Hollywood, thin always will be in.

"People in the movie business still want actresses who are idealized versions of women," veteran casting director Jane Jenkins said. "I think that adage that you can never be too rich or too thin still applies in Hollywood. The plus-size actress today would be a size 6 or a size 8."

Said Warner: "It's heart-breaking because everyone ends up succumbing to this overly thin image. The Kardashians were these voluptuous, curvy sisters who ended up succumbing to the image and losing weight."

 source: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/news/e3ic5827d475c9bb436b2e2c9b46423138e

A Special Tribute Blog: R.I.P. Law & Order! Until we meet again...

Oh-so-sad. R.I.P. Law & Order! Until we meet again... On TNT, Bravo, Oxygen, USA, Chill, WGN... What did I miss? 

"Created by arguably one of the biggest Dicks in television history, the crime procedural will end (maybe) its twenty-season run on Monday, May 24th, with its final episode. Fortunately, Chuck Norris’ long rumored lawsuit against NBC — claiming 'Law & Order' are trademarked names for his left and right legs — had nothing to do with it. Rather, the show is just older than balls."

-The Toilet Paper, courtesy of @JessicaVeggie

Long has the L&O franchise been my television crack. No joke - I've spent many a Sunday watching morning-til-night marathons. My friends know this about me. The day the cancelation of L&O was announced, I was the proud recipient of over a dozen e-mails and text messages. I'm sure my friends were all assuming it would only be a matter of time before I chimed on on the show's demise.

STOP JUDGING ME! I see no shame in this! ;)

But let's not get carried away. I mean, sure, this show is ending a 20-year run (why they couldn't push it to 21 to break the record for longest-running, I do not know), but it will still be on daily, in perpetuity on TNT, USA, Oxygen, WGN, Chill, and so on and so forth... I mean, it's the show that never REALLY dies. And let's also not forget its babies, "Special Vicitims" and "Criminal Intent." They're still there to comfort me on future Sundays.

My favorite L&O story happened when I was living in New York. My friend and I were in line at Lechters Housewares on 8th and Broadway and she got visibly excited. She pointed to the guy in line in front of us, whispering loudly, "it's Mr. Big!" As I'd not started watching "Sex & the City" just yet, I took one look at him and said, quite out loud, "Nope, that is Detective Logan from Law & Order." He turned to me and smiled (his smile could melt rock, my friends) and said "thank you!" I never totally got why he was thanking me. Maybe he was just sick of all the S&TC fever and wanted to NOT be Mr. Big for a little while. And dude, I was happy to help you out. You gotta love it.

My all-time favorite L&O cast member, though, is Jerry Orbach (Detective Lenny Briscoe). That would be the dad from "Dirty Dancing" if you're not familiar. Always the classiest and always with the best one-liners like "I'm trying to decide what to arrest you for - obstruction of justice, harboring a fugitive or just being a general pain in the ass."

But to everyone from creator and Executive Producer, Dick Wolf, to Jerry Orbach, to Sam Waterston... I thank you, "Law & Order," for being my most favorite series franchise ever.

P.S. - All I want in the world right now is the sound of the "dun-dun" (you know what I mean) from the beginning of every episode for my text message alert sound. If you find it, SEND IT!

Worst Dressed

Is it me or were those the WORST Oscars ever? Oh, I'm sure there's been worse and frankly, I didn't even think Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were too bad - even amusing - but something about this show was BLAND and LONG. Longer than normal. I guess we may have missed those fun montages (a tribute to horror? Really?) and the musical performances... I don't know.

WORST MOMENTS:

• That costume designer who began with "well I already have two of there." WTF is that? 
• The crazy red head who totally Kanye'd someone's speech. You know who I mean.
• Kristen Stewart who could not have looked LESS thrilled to be there. Lame.
• The memorial which left out Farah, Bea and Ed. I know they can't include EVERYONE but that seemed a pretty cruel omission.
• The Adam-Shankman-Showcase -- AKA the dance number that never ends...
• Miley's posture
• WTF was with all the Best Actor/Actress tribute? Opening the show, montages and guest speakers? Get over it. 
• When they pleayed "I am Woman" as Kathryn Bigelow left the stage. PUH-LEASE.

BEST MOMENTS:

• John Hughes tribute. In fact, I wish they'd asked more people to come to the stage. I am sure a dozen more actors in the room had worked with him. Not to mention the two hosts.
• Tim Robbins coming out for Morgan Freeman
• Jeff Bridges, Sandra Bullock and Kathryn Bigelow
• Ryan Reynolds
• Bradley Copper paired with Gerard Butler to present. YUM.
• Penelope Cruz - I have a new girl-crush on her and I thought the color of her dress was stunning.
• Sandra Bullock's hair -- and even her dress, which I got used to and liked ultimately.

Lackluster fashion overall, really. More to mock than to praise. And two dresses in particular come to mind when I think of worst dressed:

 

Zoe, you're so very radiant and then came out in this RIDICULOUS thing that looks like three dresses pieced together. 

Charlize, honey, we know they're there. No need to point them out to us. With cinnabons.